6-Year-Old Emotional Meltdowns: How You Can Deal With Them Today
Takeaway: It can be overwhelming for you, your kiddo, and the entire family when your 6-year-old has big feelings that they don’t know how to manage. Thankfully, learning more about tantrums and what causes them can help. In this post, I break down everything you need to know about 6-year-old temper tantrums and share my top tips for supporting your child through them.
As parents, we often feel like we need to have it all figured out. There's a ton of pressure from society to look like we know what we're doing, even though we might feel totally lost. And the pressure we put on ourselves can be even more tense.
We hold ourselves to super-high (read: unrealistic) standards and feel like a failure when we inevitably fall short. This mindset even trickles down to how we view our kiddos despite our best intentions otherwise.
Sound familiar? If so, you're not alone. I see this so often with my parent coaching clients. They especially struggle when their child has a temper tantrum. Their kiddo's big feelings often trigger their own emotions, which can feel totally overwhelming.
But the truth is, there's nothing wrong with you or your children, even when tantrums occur! Even though it might not feel like it right now, temper tantrums are opportunities for you and your child to feel more connected.
With a little education, some important mindset shifts, and effective support, you can learn how to support your child (and yourself!) during these tough moments—and come out the other side with a happier, healthier parent-child relationship.
Understanding 6-year-old behavior meltdowns
It's natural to want your kiddo's tantrums and meltdowns to just go away. Yet, trying harder to make your child stop often has the opposite effect: it might prolong or intensify the tantrum. Or, it can cause your child to internalize their intense feelings, which can have negative ripple effects as well.
Instead, I challenge you to turn toward the tantrums. Sounds counter-intuitive, right? However, learning more about what tantrums are and what causes them can help you have more understanding and compassion for your child's behavior. Plus, it's the first step toward finding supportive strategies that actually work.
Here, I'll explain what tantrums consist of and some of the main reasons why they happen. If you're interested in learning even more about the mechanisms behind your kiddo's behavior, I encourage you to consider my TUNED IN Parenting Course. In this course, I share comprehensive information about child brain development, along with concrete skills that you can start putting into practice today.
What are temper tantrums?
If you've landed here, you've probably seen your fair share of temper tantrums from your 6-year-old. While you know your child better than anyone, it can be helpful to learn more about what exactly a tantrum consists of. They can look different from child to child, and the same child can also react differently depending on the situation.
While this isn't an exhaustive list of how a temper tantrum might present itself, these are some of the most common features of a tantrum.
Crying. Tears are one of the most common signs of a tantrum. While crying alone doesn't necessarily indicate that your kiddo is having a meltdown, many children cry when throwing tantrums.
Screaming. Beyond crying alone, kids might also scream during temper outbursts. This might also involve wailing, whining, or repeatedly shouting phrases like "I don't want to."
Hitting. Your child might also hit you, themselves, or objects during tantrums. They might flail their arms and inadvertently hit, or their actions might be more intentional.
Kicking. Similarly, kicking is also common during tantrums. Your child might kick a wall, a toy, or you. They might also flail their legs around and accidentally hit you or something else.
Going limp or rigid. During a temper tantrum, your child might arch their back or stiffen their muscles. On the other hand, they might also let their body go completely limp.
Breath-holding. Some children also experience breath-holding spells during tantrums. The American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) identifies cyanotic breath-holding spells as those related to anger or frustration, while pallid spells tend to be a fear response.
Throwing items. Throwing items is also common during tantrums. Your child might throw things (such as a toy) at you, at the wall, or aimlessly in the room.
Sometimes, tantrums can be more severe. While there isn't necessarily a "normal" way to throw a tantrum, these signs may indicate a more serious behavioral or mental health issue that needs special attention.
Biting. Occasional biting might not be a cause for concern in and of itself. However, if your child frequently bites you or themselves during a tantrum, it could be a sign that something deeper is going on.
Head banging. Some children bang their heads into the wall when experiencing strong emotions. Of course, this can be scary and confusing for parents.
Scratching themselves. Scratching is another indicator a child has lost control during a tantrum. Scratching, like biting or head-banging, is a self-injurious behavior that shows how overwhelmed a child is at the moment it occurs.
Aggression. Children might also display aggression toward you or other people during an intense tantrum. While some hitting or kicking can be developmentally typical, frequent or intense aggression might indicate an underlying issue.
Frequent tantrums. Research suggests that short, daily tantrums are common in children up to 5 years old. However, this isn't necessarily a hard cut-off. If your 6-year-old's meltdowns are more common than that, they might have an emotional or behavioral issue that needs attention.
Long tantrums. The same research indicates that the average tantrum in young children is one to three minutes. Kids might occasionally have longer tantrums, but if your child usually has tantrums that are much longer, consider getting support.
Inability to calm. Calming tantrums can be difficult—you probably wouldn't be reading this otherwise! However, if your kiddo is often inconsolable during a meltdown, they might be struggling with other challenges.
Some experts also differentiate temper tantrums and meltdowns. According to the Autism Treatment Center of America, emotional meltdowns often result from sensory overload. They may signal a "fight or flight" response to a situation or stimulus your child perceives as a threat.
Typically, sensory meltdowns are more intense and long-lasting than temper tantrums. With tantrums, a child can typically calm down once they get what they want or otherwise has their need met. However, kiddos are much more difficult to soothe when experiencing a meltdown.
Why do children throw tantrums?
As we've begun to discuss, there are different reasons why children throw tantrums. While you might already have some ideas of why your kiddo is struggling with emotional meltdowns, exploring other possible causes might help you understand your child even more.
Here are some of the most common reasons why your 6-year-old is throwing a tantrum.
They aren't getting what they want. Children often throw tantrums as a way to get what they want. Many parents inadvertently feed into this behavior by giving in. For example, maybe your kiddo wants that candy bar in the grocery store checkout line.
It probably feels easier to just give them the candy so they stop screaming, right? The more often we fall into this pattern, the more our child learns that tantrums are an effective way to get what they want.
They're still learning emotional control. At age 6, your kiddo's brain is still developing. They haven't yet learned the skills they need to regulate negative feelings. Even if they have strong language skills, they might not be able to calmly express themselves all the time.
My TUNED IN parenting course goes over brain growth and developmental milestones in much more detail to help you truly meet your child where they're at.
They have an unmet physical need. While tantrums are often caused by strong feelings, they can also be rooted in your kiddo's physical needs. Maybe they're overtired, really need a snack, and need to use the bathroom all at the same time.
For children with sensory issues, loud noises, itchy clothing, and bright lights can also play a factor in causing tantrums or meltdowns.
They're a highly sensitive child (HSC). Research from psychologist Elaine Aron suggests that up to 20 percent of the population is born with the high sensitivity trait, which means they're extra sensitive to emotions, sensory input, and the energy of other people.
If your kiddo is highly sensitive, they might struggle with frequent, intense tantrums. Check out my blog post about highly sensitive children for more information.
They have an underlying mental health issue. Experts agree that certain mental health challenges can contribute to tantrums. If your child has anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), they might have an especially hard time managing their triggers and emotions.
They have a behavioral or developmental challenge. Similarly, certain behavioral or developmental issues can contribute to tantrums and meltdowns.
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism spectrum disorder (ASD), sensory processing disorder (SPD), and oppositional defiant disorder are some challenges that can make it harder for kids to regulate their feelings and behaviors.
This isn't an exhaustive list of a child's triggers. Sometimes, your child might throw a tantrum for seemingly no reason at all. While identifying triggers is important when possible, it's most important to lovingly embrace whatever emotions come up for your child, even if you don't understand what's going on.
Are tantrums in 6-year-olds normal?
This question is totally valid, but it's not as straightforward as it might seem. The short answer is yes: tantrums can be developmentally appropriate for 6-year-olds. As we've discussed, your kiddo's brain is still growing and learning. It's unrealistic to expect that they'll always be able to remain calm when having intense feelings! Many adults I know can't do that.
Tantrums are a big way that children express their feelings. As a parent, it's up to you to teach your child more process and express emotions appropriately. For many parents, this is a big challenge. So many of the parents I coach weren't given the tools or education to manage their own feelings in a constructive way, let alone teach a little one how to do that.
It's also important to understand that some children experience a regression to the "terrible twos" when they're 6 or 7 years old. This is especially common for kiddos who didn't get the chance to freely express their emotions during their younger years.
If this is the case for your child, know that it's not too late! If you had a hard time embracing toddler tantrums, you have another chance to let your kiddo feel their feelings now. This can help their midbrain develop and teach them how to embrace their emotions. This will help your child process emotions later in life, too.
Of course, holding space for your kiddo's feelings is much easier said than done. You might worry that you're a bad parent if you let your child have a tantrum, or you might even have negative thoughts about your child.
Let me reassure you that tantrums aren't your child's fault—and they're not yours, either. By shifting how you approach their tantrums or meltdowns, you can strengthen the bond between you and your kiddo.
How to deal with 6-year-old tantrums
If you're here, you probably feel like you've tried everything to support your kiddo. As a parent, it can be incredibly difficult to admit that you're not sure what else to do. You might even feel anxious or shameful about how you've approached tantrums so far. Maybe you've yelled at your child or punished them because you feel like those are the only tools left in your toolbox.
I get it. Parenting is hard, and there's no guidebook that tells us how to be a "good" parent. The important part is that you're willing to examine how you show up and make some positive changes that will help your kiddo (and yourself!).
It takes a lot of vulnerability to reach out for help and be willing to try something new. You could continue to stay stuck in parenting patterns that don't feel good. Instead, you're here, looking for advice on how to be a more positive parent (more on positive parenting here).
While there's no foolproof way to stop tantrums from happening, there are plenty of helpful strategies you can do to help them happen less frequently and help regulate your child's feelings when meltdowns do occur.
Preventing tantrums
Before jumping into how we can prevent tantrums, it's important to first accept that tantrums will happen. As we've discussed, tantrums in 6-year-olds can be developmentally appropriate. Right now, they might be your child's best way to express unmet needs and big feelings or get what they want.
At the same time, it makes total sense why you'd want to help your child learn how to manage their emotions in healthy ways. Here are some of my favorite tried-and-true strategies for preventing meltdowns. I recommend these strategies (and more) to my private coaching clients and those who take my courses!
Build a consistent routine. In my experience, routines are a super-effective way to prevent tantrums. Even the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) agrees! When your child has a consistent structure, they know what to expect from their day and feel more in control.
At the same time, it's okay (and can even be good for your child) if their schedule is disrupted from time to time. This helps them build flexibility and resilience.
Learn your kiddo's triggers. Understanding your child's unique triggers is one of the most helpful ways to prevent meltdowns.
If you haven't already, start paying attention to the times or situations in which tantrums occur. Is it every night when it's time for bed? Do they tend to happen in crowded public places? Keeping a pulse on when your child has tantrums is a critical step in preventing and being prepared for them.
Cue transitions. Many kids, especially those that are highly sensitive, struggle with transitions. Often, they can be a time when your child feels out of control or overwhelmed. Warning your child about upcoming transitions can help. For example, try telling your kiddo when there are 5 minutes before bedtime. Using a visual timer can also help.
Notice and reward positive behaviors. Many parents reward negative behaviors without meaning to. As we talked about, tantrums can be a highly effective way for your child to get what they want.
If they've learned that screaming and crying will make you give in to what they ask for, why wouldn't they throw a tantrum? Instead, try to pay attention to the times when your child asks nicely or uses their words. Small rewards like stickers or verbal praise can go a long way in these instances.
Model and encourage clear communication. The middle of a tantrum isn't usually the best time to ask your child to express themselves in a calm, clear way. Teaching children how to use their words in calmer moments is typically more effective.
As you likely know, kids learn from example, so try telling your child how you feel (in an appropriate way). If your kiddo sees you crying, you can say something like "Mommy is feeling sad right now, but it is not your fault. It's okay to be sad sometimes."
What to do when your child throws a tantrum
We can't prevent every tantrum. When meltdowns inevitably happen, try viewing them as teachable moments for both yourself and your kiddo. Challenge yourself to show up differently and see watch their behavior shift alongside yours!
Implementing these changes can be tough work. I encourage you to try these tips the next time your child starts throwing a tantrum. However, you don't have to make these shifts alone. My parent coaching services offer the individualized support you need to feel empowered and confident in your new parenting approach.
Here are just a few of the strategies I coach my clients through.
Be with whatever emotions come up. Many (if not most) parents are quick to shut down tantrums because their child's emotions make them uncomfortable. What would it be like to let your child have whatever feelings are present? Showing your child that it's safe to express themselves can go a long way.
Try a guided meditation. At the same time, helping children learn self-soothing skills is equally important. Try doing my butterfly body scan together. This will help your child get in touch with how their body feels when they have big emotions. Plus, the whole family can do it together to find a sense of calm in difficult moments.
Practice setting loving boundaries. Setting boundaries with your child can be difficult. You might worry that it will hurt your child's feelings if you don't give them what you want. In these moments, it's important to step into your empowerment as a parent.
It's up to you to create a loving container in which your child knows the limits. You might get a lot of pushback at first, but having healthy boundaries will support a strong relationship in the long run.
Offer physical comfort. Depending on your child's needs and the specific situation, loving touch can also go a long way during tantrums. Holding their hand, giving them a hug, or rubbing them back can provide them comfort while also showing them that it's safe to have big feelings.
Parent coaching can make family life more peaceful and fulfilling.
Take a deep breath, Mom or Dad! Managing tantrums is tough work, especially if you're in the process of shifting your parenting approach. Know that you're not alone and that you deserve support in this journey.
I offer both individual parent coaching and my comprehensive TUNED IN course to best meet your family's needs. If you have questions about my offerings or would like to learn more about how I can help, I encourage you to reach out.