TUNED IN MODULE 8

Transcript

Welcome to module eight. This is a really important one. And it's actually the second time that I'm recording this lecture, I went back to review the original lecture and I wasn't happy with how the material was presented.

Perhaps that is the perfectionist part of my highly sensitive personality trait. But what I noticed was that I was presenting the information from a hyper aroused state with some anxiety and some activation that could have been because this is a really loaded topic, everyone's talking about boundaries, everyone has pain around boundaries, either from places where people in their life set too strong and firm of boundaries and didn't offer them the warmth that they needed or from situations where there weren't enough boundaries in codependent or abusive situations.

It also could have been because I just wasn't in my most regulated state on that day when I looked back on the calendar I actually recorded this module on the same day that I gave a five hour training to a group of 30 interns at a local agency here.

And I share all of that just to say that there's already wisdom in boundaries in this choice for me to re record because first of all I noticed a boundary come up in my system of, I'm not happy with how that was presented and I want to do it again.

Great, there's a boundary that I can then activate. Also because the most important part of learning how to set boundaries is understanding that so much of communication is nonverbal. I don't remember the specific percentage in the research but I do know that more of communication is nonverbal than verbal.

So when you're setting boundaries with your children and you're communicating with them, which is also modeling and teaching them how to communicate, a large percentage of what they learn is in how you present the communication, whether you show up with a warm affect, with neutrality, or whether you come in hot with a lot of energy and you haven't done your own work to regulate, as we talked about in the next module.

So with that said, here I go again in an effort to present the topic of boundaries to you in a way that is tangible, in a way that is palatable, and in a way that your nervous system can receive knowing that you're being given information from another regulated and clear nervous system.

I hope that makes sense. So an overview of where we're going today, I will share a quote to begin with. I'm actually just going to do that now because I think it's a good way to start. So Jeff Foster is an amazing poet.

He's the one who wrote the poem that I shared about high sensitivities in a previous module. But he writes this simple quote, true boundaries do not block love. They protect it. Allow it to flourish freely and unbounded presence.

True boundaries do not block love. They protect it and they allow it to flourish freely and unbounded presence. So a really important principle of today's topic is to orient yourself to the fact that boundaries are not blocking connection between you and your kids, between you and your spouse, between you and yourself.

They're actually providing more opportunity for connection that is healthy. That will be a really important principle to remember as we move forward. And in the rest of today's lecture, I will share a little bit about how important it is to learn boundaries within your own system and with your own life before and while you're bringing them to your children and your family.

I'll share five reminders around boundaries. I'll talk about the three biggest takeaways that I would love for you to have from this module, if nothing else. And then we'll go into some content on how to set and maintain boundaries with yourself, boundaries with your children.

And then lastly, I want to share about a concept called the drama triangle. So it's quite a full lecture, and there's a lot of related and also different topics to cover so Please get comfortable, take care of yourself during this time because boundaries are hard and there's a lot to learn.

So it's really important that we understand how to internally and externally set boundaries in our lives in all areas. So emotional, relational, parenting, professional, spiritual, religious, wherever you might need to know and set what your boundary is between you and either another person, an organization, a religion, whatever it is, if we're not building the muscle of what is my boundary here?

Like what would be most true? Do I have a boundary around getting home from work and feeling the need to continue to complete tasks late at night? Like does that feel okay for me or is there a boundary there?

And when I start to build, that internal muscle, I'm no longer willing to act outside my boundaries. And if I do, I start to develop symptoms. And I'm saying I, but I'm talking as if I'm anyone. I start to develop symptoms of anxiety, fear, obligation, guilt, symptoms that feel really uncomfortable inside of me that are letting me know, hey, you're not living within your boundaries in this moment.

The more that you start to pay attention to that thermometer of sorts, and then also build the muscles to clearly and lovingly set those boundaries with yourself and others, the more that you can easily offer this to your children.

If you're someone that is not doing this well outside of the home, you can't expect yourself to have this muscle ready to go when it comes to parenting. And what I see in a lot of families that I work with is either they swing towards getting really bossy and directive because they feel so out of control in their life outside of the home.

But at home, there's a lot of yelling and direction and you need to do this now. Here's the boundary. That's not a way for someone to receive a boundary, or it just becomes really loose, even merged, codependent at home, like parents that aren't setting boundaries and then are feeling resentful and overwhelmed because they're experiencing feeling out of control at home.

So it's your work to take a weather report of sorts. Just take an analysis of where are you setting boundaries? Where are you having a difficult time doing that? Would you benefit from softening your boundaries if you're actually showing up really guarded and you always move towards a no?

Or would you benefit from saying no more? That will be important. and work for you to dive into on your own. So five reminders around boundaries and this came from Barb Schmidt. She's a very well -known meditation teacher and she just made it so clear and succinct that I wanted to directly share the five tips that she offered a lot that was already encompassed in the offering that I have for you today.

So number one when sitting a boundary is be clear and I'll add that it's required that you're clear with yourself. Like if you haven't decided if your child can have cake or not at 3pm or whatever it is, if you haven't made a clear boundary within you of what's a yes or no, then it will be hard to be clear externally.

Number two is keep it simple enough so that they remember it. This goes for boundaries with your kids or in the workplace or your friends or your spouse. It's not like here's everything that's ever happened to me and why this feels triggering and what I need for every day of my life moving forward.

It's just actually the cake's not going to be eaten right now. What else can I offer you? Number three, never apologize for setting a boundary because this can send mixed messages. So I agree with this one to a certain extent.

Like if you're showing up with a lot of guilt, like I'm so sorry that this might hurt you. And I'm talking bigger picture here now boundaries with anyone, it can end up just creating more interpersonal distress and more noise in the space and just saying like, here's the boundary, here's why.

Sometimes when offering boundaries to kiddos as a way of offering empathy, I might say like, I'm really sorry you're not getting what you want. That might be, that must be hard. Number four is be consistent when someone or your child tests the boundaries.

So it's like a slot machine. If your child wins once, they will keep coming back to play. And that's okay if you decided to soften around a boundary, but then just have realistic expectations that they will be coming back to test the boundary.

And that's normal. When we then add on this layer of getting mad at our kids for not respecting the boundary that we ourselves didn't respect, that's when I think it gets really difficult and confusing for kids and actually leads to more meltdowns.

Number five, always have the boundary conversation or the boundary direction when you are in a calm and neutral space. It's just this idea of like being in response instead of reaction. One of my mentors talks about how when you step into adult life.

And many adults are not necessarily living a mature adult emotional life, there's a responsibility to respond, a responsibility to respond, instead of to react. So it's really our job to be the leaders in the family of coming back to a neutral regulated space from which we can respond instead of react.

And you can revisit the triggers to the nervous system and really be doing the work to know when you're out of that rest and digest parasympathetic place, do what you need to do to come back to that space and then from there, because now we know it doesn't have to happen right away, you can share boundaries with your kiddos.

I think one of the reasons that I've had a difficult time creating this lecture and being able to present it in a way that really helps and supports is because my experience is that when parents are able to get to the root of their kids' needs, the boundaries and the workaround boundaries isn't as needed because there's a place of respect, there's connection, and kids know and feel like they're getting their needs met,

and so there's not this desire to push the boundary and get your attention. An example, I was just talking to a mom last night of a highly sensitive five -year -old boy that I'm working with who shows up with a lot of anxiety, and there's been a lot of talk around boundaries, and we know that for him having clear and consistent boundaries is really important, but even more important for him is feeling a sense of belonging,

is feeling a sense of responsibility and leadership in the family, is feeling a sense of trust that there will be consistent and clear structure with regular rituals, and so for this family who was having a hard time setting boundaries with him eating his dinner and having a variety of different foods, what they implemented was really an idea, a ritual of having the kids help set the table in a way that's really fun every night at the same time,

and then putting all the food out in different color bowls and letting them choose on their plate what they eat, which they hadn't been doing before, and that's been really consistent in addition to adding in the one -on -one time and other regulation tools, and the symptoms are shifting, and bedtime's getting easier, and there's not as many outbursts, so mom and dad didn't need to come in with a harsh,

hey, if you don't eat your dinner, here's what's going to happen, which you might read in a lot of parenting books around disciplinary strategies. Instead, they took a more holistic approach. They looked at, okay, what's at the root of the issue with support from a child therapist in the way that I'm serving them, and And okay, he's really getting dysregulated with the lack of structure and consistency and the lack of belonging in the family system.

What can we do to shift our structure and then invite him in? So I just wanted to share that piece around, yes to learning tools and skills around boundaries, very important and also yes to looking at the whole system and seeing what other structural shifts might support your child.

Okay, so the three biggest takeaways for understanding loving boundaries. In my opinion, if you stop the lecture after hearing these three takeaways and you make a commitment to practice them and embody them, you'll see a lot of shifts.

Number one, every behavior is rooted in a feeling need or desire. I've shared this before, but it's that important. every single behavior is rooted in a feeling need or desire for all of us. So when I go through periods of being more addicted to coffee, it's coming from a need to have energy if I'm feeling depleted in other ways.

It's coming from probably avoidance of a feeling. Sometimes it's kind of numbing whatever it is I don't want to slow down and feel because it keeps me moving quickly. And a desire to be drinking coffee or whatever it is.

And sometimes it's one of them. Sometimes it's all of them, but there's always something under the surface. And so if I want to stop drinking coffee for some time, I have to address the energy levels that was presenting with that need.

I have to sit with the feelings that was underneath it instead of avoiding it. And I have to see where I can get that desire met in other ways. So when you're looking at your children's behavior, no matter how big or much or avoidant or whatever it is that they seem, there's always a need under the surface.

Another example might be a child that's choosing not to answer your question might have a need to have some space and not be talking, or they might actually, the feeling that they're having might be overwhelmed when there's so many stimuli coming into their system, like all of that.

I think I've shared in previous modules. And if I haven't, I want to share now, the gatekeeper to information in the brain, the thalamus is actually letting in more information at any given time for a highly sensitive person.

There are studies around that. So they're allowing more information to come in at any moment. And when you give them that question or instruction, that's just the limit. It's like, no, I have nothing left.

I can't hear you. So there's a need to slow down and reduce the stimulation and then they can hear you. So every behavior is rooted in a feeling, need, or desire. I encourage you to take some time to journal about what you feel your kiddo's highest feelings, needs, or desires.

Is it that you can go back to that unmet needs list? Is it that they really need a plan and structure? Or is it that they need space and freedom? Is it that they really need time to be seen for their uniqueness and one -on -one time?

Or is it that they need more social time? Who knows what it is, but we're wanting to look at the feeling, need, or desire when we can address that there's generally actually less of a need to set strong boundaries.

The second biggest takeaway, if you know your line, if you know your boundary line, that's it. If my glass of water doesn't have a glass, it's a pedal on the floor. There's no, there's nothing to hold it.

And if I don't have, if I don't decide that I'm going to put it in the glass, I can't drink it and it doesn't work. So when you're setting a boundary with your child, if you haven't decided what the line is, it's going to be loosey goosey and they're not going to feel the firm container and boundary.

The example I like to give is when your young child asks if they can sit in the front seat with you with no car seat, the answer is no. If they asked if they can have a sip of wine, no. In other cultures, it might not be a no.

But what I'm getting at is when your line is clear inside of you because you know your values or there's a boundary that's held by law outside of you, it's really easy to hold and set the boundary, even if you get a little bit frustrated with your child's reaction to the boundary.

Even if it's like, oh my gosh, you're screaming and crying because you can't sit in the front seat, you can still maintain regulation generally because you're not doubting yourself. Please take time to get this clear on your boundaries with your kids.

There was a time that my husband and I decided no more target trips. It's so tempting. Our kids are products of our culture. They do watch some TV that has products all over it. That's how it is. And so they want toys.

And there was a time where we were more lenient in trips to target for treats to pick out toys. And then ultimately, it was creating resentment and frustration because it wasn't aligned with our values to go and pick out plastic toys.

And so we really created a boundary that we're a no for that behavior in our family, at least right now. And it's been easy to set because we decided it together. We got clear. We linked it to our values, which was that we want to provide gifts on birthdays, but not have this instinct.

gratification loop going of plastic toys anytime. And, and it's been pretty easy to set once we decided, when we hadn't decided, it was just frustrating. And we were making each other wrong and, and that kind of thing.

So just take a moment to consider like, where has it been really difficult to set a boundary? And why might that be because you haven't gotten clear on the line. The third biggest takeaway is really focusing on the follow through holding your line and maintaining neutrality and patience, and then supporting your child in responding to your boundary.

We want our kids to get really good at handling when people say no, and yes, but we can't just say no, you can't have what you want and then not give them any support after that when they haven't yet built the muscle of tolerating a no.

So it's like, no, we're not going to buy toys. I'm sorry that this is hard for you. Generally, they're not in a talking space if they're in a trigger, but just hanging out with them and letting them know emotionally with your heart, and also with words when their lid is back on, as this is content from previous modules, when the prefrontal cortex comes back online, and just letting them know you're there with them,

and you get it that it's hard, and that they can do it. They can handle the experience of getting what they want. Another tool that I share in the lecture notes is a handout on nonviolent communication with your kids.

I go into more detail on nonviolent communication in the Conscious Co -Parenting module, but it might be helpful to just look over some other ideas on how to be communicating with your kids in a way that is loving and warm, and teaching them how to do the same as you do that.

So just a little bit more here on why boundaries are so important. It's because they truly create safety in relationships. When I don't know what the line is between us, when you're too close to me, then I'm comfortable with, or I'm too close to you, then you're comfortable with, one of us will go into a dysregulated nervous system state, either the checked out, dissociated, or the hyperaroused state,

and that will block us from being in connection, because intimacy lives in that center column on the nervous system sheet. Intimacy lives in the regulated, rest and digest, parasympathetic nervous system state.

So boundaries protect us from causing physical or emotional harm when we're in one of those dysregulated states. It also provides us to break patterns of codependency, which I'll talk a little bit more at the end when then we become enmeshed and we're not okay unless our family members are okay and we're not letting each other have our process because we're not sitting boundaries with ourselves and each other to say,

you got this. I know you're having a feeling, I'm here if you need me, but you got this and I'm gonna stay regulated. We then become wrapped up in these codependent relational systems and we sort of all go down together.

Boundaries send a message to yourself that I'm worthy of self -love and respect. And therefore you're modeling to your children that they are worthy of self -love and respect. So it's just so important to do this work.

And the earliest boundaries that we set with our kids are really around safety. They're pretty easy to follow through. Like, no, you can't crawl towards the plug in the wall. Like, that would be very dangerous or you can't move towards.

hot stove. Um, it just said a little bit later when they're in like the temper tantrum stage, which, which is healthy, like two and three year olds need to be having temper tantrums because that part of their brain is growing.

Um, it, we just get overwhelmed and it becomes more emotional, more of a mind game, more of a power struggle. And it becomes really hard to create rules that are non -negotiable. But I also know that you can do it.

And your children needs you to create those lines and those boundaries. There's nothing more disregulating for the sensitive child than not knowing what the rule is, not knowing what the boundary, when I get, when I set clear expectations in my playroom with kids, like you can move towards whatever kind of play you want to do here.

It's all up to you. Except anything that's on my desk is just for me. That's adult stuff. And if I feel like you're going to hurt yourself, me or anything in the room, I'll let you know and we'll find a different way to play.

That's it. And it's like, Oh, okay. Here's what the rules are. Um, and when I am setting boundaries, I'm almost always setting them for me. Like I love this anger that you're showing me. That's so great.

And when the toy is coming towards my face, I'm getting so nervous that I can't be here with you. How can we do it a different way? We throw the toy on the floor. You know, it's like, I'm letting this healthy expression of emotion come through and I'm not making it wrong, but I'm setting the boundaries with neutrality and explanation and, and letting them know that this is so, this is so that I can stay in connection with you.

I want to be here with you. You are wanted, not you're bad and stop doing this. You know, that, that gives children the message. I just had an impulse and now I'm wrong and now she doesn't want to be here with me and loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop, loop into more overwhelm and more meltdowns.

And ultimately, um, it's, it's just this muscle that if you grow, it's going to support you in all areas of your life. Your system will become more regulated as you start to listen to. your body's cues that there's a need that needs to be addressed to learn healthy communication because you're honoring yourself and you trust that the people around you can hold your boundaries even if they're initially triggered.

You're allowing other people to have a reaction to your boundaries and then ultimately you're finding so much freedom in living a life with clear boundaries. An acronym that I like to think about is FOG, F -O -G.

And it stands for fear, obligation, or guilt. If you're showing up to a moment in your life with any of those, it's likely that you need to create some sort of boundary so that you can show up with more integrity.

It could be as simple as I'm going to the PTA meeting out of obligation and guilt, like because I feel like to be a good parent, I need to go to this meeting every month or whatever. And if you really tune into it, you can start to listen to like, is it just a little bit of anxiety because it feels like a lot, but it's really true.

Or is there like, am I really just going out of obligation? And what would be in more integrity is to stay home and stay regulated with my kids, or that could be the one night I have a mean night and my spouse stays with the kids.

It's like, you're tuning into what's the boundary here? What's true? And maybe you'll receive judgment or disappointment from others for the boundary that you've set, but ultimately you're starting to live a life with more clarity and integrity.

So that's the, those are all the pieces on boundaries with yourself and the main takeaways and some tips and tools. We will now get into boundaries with your kids and, and really how to set them. Um, so also know if you, I'm sure you already know this that kids love to test the boundaries.

That's what they do. People love to test the boundaries. I do this with my husband all the time. Like he says, I can't talk right now. And I subconsciously or consciously come in with just one thing.

Like, can you, can we talk about just this one thing? And it's, it's just this natural human thing. We can be light and playful about it. Like it's, it's so natural to want to test the boundaries of people around us.

And then it's, it's, it's our job to try to contain that when we can. And then also in conscious relationships and in conscious families to have a spoken and unspoken agreement that once one sets a boundary will stick to it.

And at the end of the day, the person pushing the boundary will honor and respect our boundaries. If you're doing this in yourself, your kids will start to do it too. But, but, but in, from especially zero to six, especially zero to six, um, kids are meant to be.

boundaries. And two, like when we have these ideas of how it should be like, our kids should be sharing all their toys with their siblings at three and four. That's not developmentally appropriate. That's when you can go back to the content on developmental stages and think about what's appropriate.

I mean, at that age, kids are learning possession and they're learning. Yeah, just like what's fine and what's not yours and it gets to be messy. Like we're giving our kids space and grace for it to be messy.

And so, so with that said, we also want to, we want to have clear rules and boundaries, but we also want to have realistic and age appropriate boundaries. So before I get into some step by step and how to set the boundaries here, one more example I'll share is I was working with a mother actually on on this content, it was sort of a beta launch of the course and I was taking her through each module and I had worked with both her and her husband for some time before the course.

And so she had a lot of content. She had made a lot of changes for her three and five -year -old daughters, and they're both highly sensitive. But the one thing that was tripping her up was this, how could she hold a boundary when any time the two girls were left to play together, it became chaotic and violent, and it was just a mess.

And when we really looked at it, it was because it's not actually age -appropriate yet for a three and five -year -old child to be left to their own and be able to manage sharing appropriately. And so the boundary actually became for the parents that when we have play time and mom or dad are here with you, we can all play together.

And so the parents could monitor and scaffold the sharing and make sure that each child was getting enough attention and sometimes separating and having their needs met. But if mom or dad were cooking or not able to be with them together, the boundary was that they play separately, and they each had a different side of the playroom.

And that was the boundary that those kids needed in order to keep growing within their developmental stages. So instead of beating a dead horse and like, I have this boundary that they have to share, and they have to be nice, but they're not hearing it, there was a slowing down towards like, well, is the boundary age -appropriate?

So it's so nuanced. It relates to what's age appropriate, your child and their unique traits and what they need to feel safe because everyone has a different glass that they like to drink out of. Some people would not want to drink out of this large jar.

Someone a water bottle. So everyone has a different container or boundary that they need. And it also has to do with your own values. If your highest, highest, highest value is your kids learning how to share even at an early age, then...

And you may just be spending a lot of extra time teaching that, and maybe even giving rewards for that initially and lots of positive praise and you're really focused in on that, but you're because it's your choice and your value, but you're not just expecting your kids to know how to do and what to do.

And ultimately, kids love boundaries, they really do. There was a study which you'll see in the module and as part of the homework, there's this really quick two and a half minute YouTube video on it of children on a playground and they were playing on the playground structure and there was no fence and the researchers observed their play and how they interacted with each other.

Then they put a fence up around the playground and the researchers actually observed that kids ventured out more towards the fence, they played with each other more, they were creative. The takeaway was that the boundary provided containment that really supported them.

The boundary helps kids feel safe to explore more. So part of the homework will be, where have you not provided an adequate fence for your child? Where has it just gotten really uncontained? Another boundary that some kids need is more organization when it comes to their belongings in their home, like, just get it, you know, you can do a lot on, I did this on Facebook marketplace, I just got a ton of,

like, toy containers, so that at least even if it's a big mess, like, at least everything has a space and a place. Um, and, and so for highly sensitive kids to feel some sense of organization and knowing where things are, can help them stay more contained.

So that might be the fence that they need, or, and they might just need, um, you'll know, you'll know what your child needs if you really go inside and consider, like, where have I not provided the adequate fence?

Are they having too much screen time? Are they not having enough, like, screen time to unwind, because I've gotten so frustrated with that, that I've just not allowed any, like, unwinding and numbing out time.

It's like, it's, you will know, for you and for your child, where, um, where boundaries need to be set. So I just want to pull up the correct piece here. And as I'm pulling it up for these, for the, just some step by steps on boundaries, um, I encourage you to just check in with yourself right now.

Is there anything that you could do to become even 5% more regulated, whether that's taking a sip of water, whether that's pausing this and going to the bathroom, whether that's taking a couple of deep breaths, but I want, I want you to be growing the muscle of like, how can I be even more are regulated here in this moment.

So I only created this step -by -step boundary setting instruction because the parents that I was working with really wanted it. I kept on saying like, you can go online, you can read like any parenting book and they'll give you a script of how to set a boundary.

But I don't feel like it's that helpful. We're just closing the window because there's the dog outside that's working. I don't feel like it ever works that well to be in a true parenting moment and pull out a script.

And I do understand that sometimes like memorizing a set of steps for this, if it's feeling really difficult, might support you. So that's not to make it wrong, but I just wanted to share that authentic expression of...

I wasn't so sure about offering a step -by -step because what I really want for you all is to learn your own internal boundary line, practice regulation tools to maintain neutrality and come back to center, and then just provide clear and consistent instructions to your children once you know that while also letting them have a reaction.

And if at the foundation of all of that you've been doing your work to feel connected to your child and to have them feel connected to you, that process can go really easily. But here's the step -by -step and it's all listed in the module so you can even look down on it now.

Your first step will be to identify the boundary internally. So you'll pause, you'll take space, you'll become very clear on what the boundary is. You might even let the family go through a messy moment and then take a couple of days and think about, okay, like it felt like a line was crossed.

What is the line? Do I need the kids to start slowing down 45 minutes before dinner, turn off screens. They can just have like one or two types of play during that time to keep it more contained. And now I'm going to start creating that boundary and holding them.

It's like whatever it is, you'll create that structure. And then when it's time to set the boundary with the child, whether that happened really quickly or it was something where you took a few days, you're wanting to get on your child's level with soft eyes and a warm heart.

Take a breath and just feel in your system the difference between me coming at you and saying, don't you dare touch that hot stove. Like, you know, I'm bringing fear and it might work, but it's not, but it's going to create a lot of activation towards, oh buddy, come here, come here, come here.

That really scared me. The hot stove is dangerous. I need you to stay away from the kitchen when I'm cooking. Remember, it's really odd. It's scary. It could hurt you. The kitchen is not for kids to be near when the stove is hot.

um or whatever it is you see how there's like this difference in my tone my i'm warm i'm at my child's level i'm making it about their safety and their well -being not like you did something wrong you're bad because as we know especially highly sensitive kids will really internalize um those experiences of feeling like they're bad or wrong step three teller remind your child of the boundary kids need repetition they need to hear things over and over and over again so you're maintaining clarity and you're going through the boundary and here's where the debate around um consequences or no consequences come up a lot of families that i work with and in my family um we don't we don't offer consequences because it's really just taken as punishment usually it's not it's not a way for our kids to learn new behavior um they're both knowing what the boundary is and then knowing if they cross it,

they'll get screen time taken away or the toy. I like the idea of the toy going in time out. So you know what works best for your child and you can try different things, but really pay attention to like, are the consequences or the punishments that I'm setting just creating shame and maybe it's minimizing the behavior or it's like conditioning them, but it's not actually creating long -term respect of the boundaries.

But if you are using consequences, you may want to remind your child when you're reminding them of the boundary, hey, and here's the rule. And if you don't do this, then this, and you're just keeping it neutral.

And then you can follow through with that permission to set, especially logical consequences. Like if you dump all the toys out and break them, like you'll have to help me put them back together or whatever it is permission to do that.

If it's true for you, I prefer if I'm going to use any type of A, B, like it's like that A, B, then A behavioral process to be using a reward system that works better for our kids. I talked about that in the evening and morning routine section.

Number four, follow through. So it's holding the line. You're maintaining the boundary and you're following through. And then number five is offering praise, offering admiration. When your child does really well, like, oh my goodness, you like did the thing that we've been working on.

This feels so good. I'm so proud of you. Yes, yes to that. Yes to offering your children that praise. And ultimately it's our job to teach our kids boundaries. They don't know them until we teach them.

And so we offer them practice, we offer them patience, we offer them space for it to get messy. Like we offer ourselves grace and patience in that. So we're modeling that and, and things can become really different when the boundaries are clear.

This topic is personal. This topic is hard. Most of us have templates of boundaries from our family of origin that aren't as conscious as we're wanting them to be now. And so please have a lot of self compassion for yourself in this process and reach out if you need some support.

This is one topic I'd be so happy to to offer like a 30 minute coaching session or whatever it is that you feel like you need a little bit more support on if you're just something's not clicking or you want some help in in applying this to your specific family system.

Okay, so last piece here that I really love sharing and you might have already heard of this, but it's been helpful for a lot of families that I work with, and I'll link to the source that it comes from and the person who created it.

But it's this idea of the drama triangle. So in codependent family systems and toxic family systems and abusive family systems, we learn how to be in relationship within this drama triangle. And it has three points.

The top point, well, it could be at any point, but just the three parts. One point is the victim. One is the perpetrator and one is the savior. So what we do in unhealthy relationship dynamics is that we fall in to one of these roles and we bounce back and forth.

We play all of them. So like I'm experiencing my child as being a perpetrator by like attacking me with not holding the boundaries. And then I go into victim like, oh my gosh, this is so hard. I just can't handle it.

I go into a dysregulated state and then, and then we flip and I end up being the perpetrator by yelling and saying like, you stop that now. And then they become the victim to my yelling. And then generally there's one family member who becomes the savior, like who is always like, it's okay, I'll fix it.

And just think about what that does for the person that's always the savior later in life. Like they don't have their own boundaries. They, yeah, they're just always fixing for others instead of being with themselves.

We all play all of these roles. It's really easy too. The reason I originally put it in this module is because I really wanted for families to feel empowered not to be in a victim mentality around this topic, like to really feel that I'm learning new things.

I can do this differently. It's just a new skill. Like I got this and it's really difficult right now, but we're learning. But I also want you to think about where you're playing out those dynamics with your children.

It's also been really helpful for some sensitive kids that I work with, especially really mature kids who are maybe seven, eight, nine, 10 that are dealing with bullying situations, or they're just like really drawn to drama.

I've taught them this triangle. I've been like, here's the thing. Here's what I've drawn it out for them. Here's what I've done. happens? Like someone is the big victim. They're the one that is like, everything's happening to them.

And it's so hard. And it's like so much and it that's not to minimize it. But it's just to say like, they're playing that role. Someone is the perpetrator. And then someone is the savior. A lot of kids I've worked with end up being the savior.

Like you're in the drama and you're helping create that we need to create a different shape. So it can happen by the victim stepping out of the victim role and really having a backbone and becoming the observer like, oh, this is happening.

What boundary do I need to set from nude from a place of neutrality and empowerment, not from being a victim. And I'm just not going to be in this triangle anymore. Like I'm not actually a victim to this perpetrator.

And then the savior becomes a coach. Like if you're one that's like always saving your child's feelings, or not really giving them space to just sometimes have that loving containment that's needed. Like, I got you that you're mad about this.

I love you and I need to cook dinner right now. So you can be in your room. You can go outside, but like, I'm going to give you some space and, or, or perhaps like, I actually need you to take some time on your own until you can be with the family and not hurt yourself or someone else.

Like that's, that's when you're going to become a coach and maybe hold a firmer boundary. And then, and then come back and coach them through their emotions. Like, well, what's happening? I got you and start to let your child know that you'll always come back.

You're not just going to like, send them away and leave them in their feeling and never address it with them. You're going to come back in a way that's more of a coach than like being right there and saving them in any feeling of discomfort.

And then this one, I'm glad that I'm really filming this module because I made, I don't think this is out there. I made this one up the other day when I was talking to a client, we were talking about, so what's the opposite of the perpetrator?

Like, how do you, how do you not be in that position of like attacking or perpetrating others? And the answer we came up with was radical self responsibility. If you are in radical responsibility for your life and your experience, you won't be in the position of blaming others or making them wrong.

You, when your child's pushing the boundary, you won't step into like over them. Like, this is your fault. You can't do it. You can't do it. You can't do it. There's a boundary that I haven't been clear on with my child.

There's something that I need to teach them. There's something that I need to share with them here. Here we go. What can I do to, what can I do to first rework any patterning inside of myself that would prevent me from setting this clear boundary?

And then how can I teach it to my child, help them integrate it, help them learn it and practice it. And, and that's it. And I'm going to be creating a system where I'm putting my child into being a victim to my own stress and pain.

Okay. That's it. That's it for today. I am so excited that you chose to make it through the course for this long. It's quite the journey and I know that it can feel like a lot. So please, please be kind and patient with yourself and know that some of this stuff lands later.

I've had clients come back to me years later and say, I get that thing now. It was just too overwhelming at the time, but now I'm seeing that the boundary really starts within me and please enjoy the next two modules.

They're my very favorite modules and I think that they apply to a lot more parts of life than just parenting. So it gets really good from here. Thank you so much. Take care and I'm here to answer any questions.

Thank you.