4-Year-Old Emotional Meltdowns: Why is My 4-Year-Old So Emotional?
Takeaway: Coping with your 4-year-old's emotional meltdowns can be overwhelming, even for a seasoned parent. If you’re struggling to understand how best to support your kiddo during a crying outburst or meltdown, know that you’re not alone. Here, I’ll offer potential reasons as to why your 4-year-old is so emotional, plus give my top strategies to support both you and your child in these situations.
Your guide to 4-year-old emotional meltdowns
As a parent, you understand that your kiddo will have temper tantrums from time to time. However, it can be difficult to tell what's considered "normal" behavior and when emotional outbursts are a cause for concern.
The reality is that parenting doesn't come with a manual—that would be nice, right? Many parents find it extremely challenging to help their children manage their emotions. If this sounds like you, know that you're not alone. Many adults struggle to understand and express their emotions in a healthy way, so trying to teach those skills to your child can be especially difficult.
With that being said, it is completely possible to learn. I've seen so many of my parent coaching clients go from frustrated and overwhelmed to grounded and confident. I know you can, too. Learning more about your child's brain is a great place to start.
Let's dive in.
What are temper tantrums or crying outbursts in 4-year-olds?
As the parent of an emotional 4-year-old, you've probably seen your fair share of temper tantrums. However, they can look different from day to day or even from child to child. These are some of the common behaviors that kiddos display when experiencing a temper tantrum.
Crying
Screaming
Going limp or rigid
Kicking, hitting, or biting
Holding the breath
Throwing objects
While each child (and tantrum) is different, experts agree that short, daily tantrums are common in kids ages 18 months to 5 years old. So, while temper tantrums can be challenging to manage, they are not typically a cause for concern in children of this age.
Why is my 4-year-old so emotional?
Even though emotional outbursts are expected in toddlers and preschool-age children, it's important to understand what causes them. While most parents are aware of some of their kiddo's triggers, it can also sometimes feel like a temper tantrum comes out of nowhere. Here, I'll break down some of the most common reasons for these outbursts.
They're operating with a four-year-old's brain
4-year-olds are, by nature, emotional! There is so much brain development happening at this tender age. During this stage, your kiddo's limbic system is going through a growth spurt. This system plays an important role in the fight-or-flight response. While it's still growing, it's like an overly sensitive home alarm system that's not configured properly and goes off every time a squirrel runs by the sensor.
In other words, your child's brain is just beginning to learn higher mental functions like emotional regulation, so there are bound to be some bumps in the road during this process. However, as children reach new levels of brain development (and as you help your child learn to stay calm) they'll be better able to manage their emotions.
Interested to understand more about how your little one's brain works? I talk all about it in my TUNED IN parenting course.
They're adjusting to changes
Change can be hard for anyone. Even as adults, we may struggle to adjust to a new job, a growing family, or even changes to our daily routine. Kids are no different! In fact, it's often even more difficult for kids to adjust because they're not often in control and may not understand what's happening.
At age four, there are many big and little changes that our children might experience. Welcoming a baby sibling and starting kindergarten are just a couple of common examples. Even smaller adjustments, like the transitional period between playtime and bathtime, can trigger a temper tantrum.
They're a highly sensitive child
Some children are extra responsive to emotions, their environment, and the people around them. They're easily overstimulated, need more downtime, and are more easily devastated by harsh discipline than other kids. If this sounds familiar, you might have a highly sensitive child.
According to Dr. Elain Aron, a clinical psychologist and researcher, nearly 20% of the population is highly sensitive. This is a genetic trait that makes people more attuned to sensory input. It can be a gift in many ways but is also exhausting and overwhelming (especially for young brains and bodies that are still learning their way in this world). This can lead to more and bigger tantrums in highly sensitive kiddos.
They have a mental health or behavioral challenge
Research shows that certain mental health issues or behavioral conditions can also make children more prone to temper tantrums. Here are a few examples of the kinds of disorders that can predispose your child to having big emotional reactions.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
Sensory processing disorder (SPD)
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)
A child can have more than one of these conditions. Plus, they could be highly sensitive in addition to being diagnosed with a mental health or behavioral disorder. Regardless of your kiddo's unique situation, they are capable of learning how to manage their emotions—they may just need a little extra support.
How to help your emotional 4-year-old navigate big feelings
When helping your child work on managing emotions, it's important to remember that tantrums aren't necessarily bad. In fact, they might be the only way that your kiddo knows how to express that they feel sad, angry, or overwhelmed. By approaching your 4-year-old's crying outbursts from an empathetic point of view, you can help them find safer, more effective ways to communicate their feelings.
Strategies to help your emotional 4-year-old
You know your child best, so it's important to find what works for them. However, many parents struggle to know how to approach temper tantrums, especially when what they've been trying hasn't worked. These strategies can be a helpful place to start.
Build a consistent and predictable routine
Since children don't have a ton of control over their schedules, it can help to build a consistent routine so your kiddo knows what to expect in their day-to-day life. This can be especially beneficial if your child struggles with transitions. Understanding their daily schedule ahead of time can help minimize the disruption that comes along with switching between activities.
Set loving boundaries
Temper tantrums can also be a way for children to test boundaries. As parents, it's our responsibility to hold loving boundaries with our kids. Having clear, consistent limits helps them stay safe. In the first few months when we start implementing boundaries, children may interpret them as a personal attack. This can be difficult for parents to tolerate. However, following through with these boundaries is key to forming a healthy parent-child relationship.
Offer positive reinforcement
Don't get me wrong: conscious, respectful discipline is important. However, noticing your child's strengths is just as essential! Make sure that you're paying attention to when your kiddo does something "right." Offering praise during these times can help them understand what healthy, effective behavior looks like. This can be an especially useful strategy for highly sensitive children.
Practice emotional regulation together
Temper tantrums are a clear sign that your child is feeling stressed, scared, upset, or overwhelmed. In other words, they are dysregulated. To help your child soothe their emotions, try my butterfly body scan. Bonus: having the whole family do this together can help everyone calm their brains and bodies!
Validate your child's feelings
Even if your child's behavior during temper tantrums is frustrating, overwhelming, or even unsafe, their emotions are valid. While you can teach them new ways to express themselves, it's important to let them know that their feelings are important. Holding space for their emotions in this moment can help foster connection.
Get support to help you and your family thrive
Supporting your emotional 4-year-old isn't always easy. It's important to show yourself compassion as you navigate this process. You're not the worst parent in the world if you slip up and yell at your child—you're only human! Simply own your moment and try a different approach next time. Being gentle with yourself models self-compassion for your kiddos, too.
If you're looking for extra support in your parenting journey, I offer services that are designed specifically for parents like you: those who want to shift their approach to effectively support their sensitive kiddos. Reach out today to learn more about what I offer and how I can help. I look forward to meeting you and your family!