Back to the Child Development Basics...And How to Reduce Shame & Guilt in your Parenting Approach
Having realistic expectations for your child based on their age and developmental stage can give you more space to support them! And the ultimate task of the conscious parent is to RELAX into observing your child work through whatever developmental task they are currently up against.
Flashback to freshman year of college, and I am sitting at the Tufts University Child Development lab school playground observing a 4 year old boy as he explores on the playground (for my Introduction to Child Development Course). My assignment was to attempt to understand this child’s process using Erik Erikson’s Theory of Child Development (introduced in the 1950s).
Multiple times in the playground observation, I watched this child approach the challenge of whether he would take initiative in the play he wanted to engage in…or become small and retreat to play on his own. According to Erik Erikson (a German psychologist), this child was appropriately exploring the developmental stage of a preschooler…Initiative vs. Guilt. It was so important for this child’s healthy development that he had space to explore how BOTH initiative AND guilt felt in his interactions, so that ultimately he could learn that a choice to take initiative in his social interactions felt really satisfying and rewarding!
Years later and despite having the privilege of learning many more new and exciting theories, I find that returning to this basic foundational theory is incredibly supportive to the kids and parents that I work with.
My hope is that by accessing information around typical child development patterns, parents can relax into trusting that their children are learning and growing at the perfect pace for them…and that generally the challenges they are faced with are actually imperative for their healthy development.
Here are Erikson’s proposed psychosocial developmental stages. His theory is founded on the idea that personality develops over these 8 major life stages - and the goal of each stage is to overcome a specific conflict. The resulting virtue is the reward for making it through each stage! Erikson believed that personality development spans across the entire lifetime.
Infancy (0-18 months) ~ Major Conflict: Trust vs. Mistrust | Virtue: Hope
Toddler (2-3 years) ~ Major Conflict: Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt | Virtue: Will
Pre School (3-5 years) ~ Major Conflict: Initiative vs. Guilt | Virtue: Purpose
School age (6-11 years) ~ Major Conflict: Industry vs. Inferiority | Virtue: Confidence
Adolescence (12-18 years) ~ Major Conflict: Identity vs. Role Confusion | Virtue: Fidelity
Young Adulthood (19-40 years) ~ Major Conflict: Intimacy vs. Isolation | Virtue: Love
Middle Adulthood (40-65 years) ~ Major Conflict: Generativity vs. Stagnation | Virtue: Care
Maturity (65 - death) ~ Major Conflict: Ego integrity vs. Despair | Virtue: Wisdom
I invite you to meditate on these stages and to consider where your own doubts and anxieties as a parent may be getting in the way from your child naturally exploring the lessons they are meant to be learning!
When kids (and adults) don't fully work out and integrate a certain stage - they often find stuck patterns related to those themes that can stick with them many years later. I often work with older children (as well as parents) that are still working on integrating early stages. For example, someone who did not have available caregivers at the trust vs mistrust stage may experience long term struggles with mistrust in their relationships. The good news is that with careful awareness, self compassion, and the right support, healing in these areas is truly possible.
SPOTLIGHT ON STAGE 2 - The Terrible Twos!
Most recently, I have been working with many families whose children are feeling a bit stuck in the “terrible twos” stage (Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt).
It is so easy (and I am guilty of this myself!) for parents to also have temper tantrums in moments of stress when kids are working through this stage. Unfortunately, without positive support from parents to regulate and connect back to themselves, children at this stage often receive a message that there is something wrong with them for not being perfect (creating shame & doubt) - instead of feeling empowered to trust themselves. Often potty training issues result from stuck-ness around this stage!
If you are a parent of a highly sensitive child, you likely already know that highly sensitive children are particularly sensitive to any parenting approaches that make them feel shame or guilt. These children are already hard enough on themselves! Read more on why a gentle approach to parenting is necessary for highly sensitive kids here.
My mentor and consultant, Kathy Clarke LPC, is a master at supporting families work through the terrible twos. She suggests that the medicine is to “connect with a child in this stage and gently redirect them without shaming, while also having realistic expectations so that the child can relax and regulate.” Anything that a child can do that gets them connected to safety and helps them release through their bodies in these moments will greatly support them! (i.e. dancing, racing in the park, jumping on a trampoline).
An amazing mother I work with recently also reminded me of the 3 Rs (developed Dr. Bruce Perry) to support kids in “temper tantrum mode”: REGULATE, RELATE, REDIRECT (in that order!) Read more here.
If Pixar movies are your jam, review this information with this awesome video summary:
If a more classic classroom speaks to you, try this one:
As always, remember that your child is absolutely unique and will always require individualized understanding and support in order to flourish!
Read about why highly gifted children often uniquely struggle with low self esteem here and seek individual support for child therapy or parent coaching here.