Shift Oppositional Family Dynamics by Identifying Unmet Needs
A Healing Guide to Identifying Unmet Needs in the Family AND Shifting Opposing Relationship Dynamics into a Complementary Support System:
So often parents that I work with are experiencing disconnect or conflict in their co-parenting relationship due to a lack of awareness of their individual needs.
When one or both parents are struggling to have a core need tended to OR are perceiving that they will not get what they need, generally parents become disconnected from themselves and therefore each other… and are certainly not available to attune to and connect with their children.
This can result in a whole family operating from a triggered response (which can look like both a hyper aroused angry or anxious or a hypo aroused depressed or checked out state).
The problem is…we don’t know how to go about getting our needs met if we don’t know what they are! The beautiful thing is…once we are able to clearly identify our needs, we can learn how to effectively communicate them to our loved ones AND learn how to often meet them entirely within ourselves.
I love Rachel Havekost’s model for identifying unmet needs that she outlines in The Inner Child Journal. This list is adapted from Havekost’s needs wheel. She instructs - start by reviewing the following list as you ask yourself:
“What do I need at this moment?”
Core, Basic Human Needs:
Vulnerability and Selfhood
Freedom and Independence
Worth and Equity
Belonging and Connection
Dependency and Nourishment
Safety and Security
Specific, Tangible, or Actionable needs as subtopics of the core needs
1. Vulnerability and Selfhood
Honest, trust
Curiosity
To assert one’s individuality
Competence, self-belief
Learning, growth
Boundaries
self -knowing, self -respect
Courage
Openness
Honest
Interests, hobbies
Spirituality
Life philosophy
Core values
Integrity authenticity
2. Freedom and Independence
Integrity, authenticity
Achievement
Creativity
Privacy
Space + time alone
Action without worry
Exploration, curiosity
Play + recreation
Agency and autonomy
Choice
To assert one’s individuality
Competence, self-belief
Learning, growth
Power and control
3. Worth and Equity
Respect for others
recognition/appreciation
Respect for self
Emotional safety
Inclusion, participation
Belonging
Balanced energy exchange
Mutuality in relationships
Care, consideration
Companionship, closeness
To be known + know others
To feel special and unique
Acceptance
Contribute to others’ wellbeing
Collaboration
Community
Affection
Friendship
Love, intimacy
4. Belonging and Connection
Attention
Acceptance, belonging
Be seen + understood
Be recognized + acknowledged
Community
Collaboration
vulnerability
Openness
Love, intimacy
Honest, trust
To know others will be there
Acceptance of self and others
Friendship
Affection
5. Dependency and Nourishment
Support + help
Collaboration
Feedback, advice
To be taken care of
Rest
To be pleased or pleasured
Love, intimacy
Trust
To know others will be there
Courage to ask for help
Vulnerability
Openness
Learning, growth
6. Safety and Security
A plan
Soothing environment
Belief system
Shelter, warmth
Food, water
Physical touch
Aware of self and surrounding
Be seen + understood
Be recognized + acknowledged
Attention
Acceptance, belonging
Order, clarity
To be cared for
Presence, feeling grounded
Which ones stick out most for you? What needs are non negotiable for your soul to feel most safe, happy and free?
Another beautifully messy component of family systems is that generally parents have needs that perfectly trigger each other.
For example, often when I’m working with one parent who has a high need for space and alone time, often the other parent has a high need for connection and together time. It is quite the dance to find a win-win scenario…but it is absolutely doable.
Perhaps the parent with the need for space just needs to learn how to clearly communicate with their partner that they are taking a walk to connect back to themselves so that they can then be available to connect with the family…and in choosing to tend to their own needs, they are absolutely not abandoning the family but in fact becoming more available. The other parent then has an opportunity to connect more deeply to themselves and self source their desire to connect and then offer love without such high of a need when the family is together again. Like I said, it’s a dance!
A great analogy for co-parents who are perfect opposites is the lion and the turtle. In many relationship dynamics, one person plays the lion…they bring the fire and heat things up when stressed or triggered. The turtle chooses to hide and go even further internally. The lion and the turtle perfectly trigger each other in their activated states! To create greater peace, it is the turtle's job to learn to come out of their shell and communicate clearly even when they want to hide…and it is the lions job to find healthy outlets for their fire to minimize projection and harm onto the turtle.
The key is that all needs (of both parents and kids) are valid…and there is always a way for all family members to source their highest needs!
Sometimes, the best choice is to think slightly outside of the usual box (i.e. seeking support from a friend, finding a regulating activity like running or listening to music, or connecting without words with a family game or outing). And simply identifying the unmet need alone is incredibly powerful to relax the nervous system…even if the need cannot be instantly met!
Consider initiating a conversation with your partner to learn each others’ needs! This way you have a common language and increased opportunity for attunement to yourself and each other in both the good times and heated moments.
Be kind to yourself as you explore how you may be making yourself, your partner or your child wrong for their unique needs…and how you can start to honor the very valid needs of all members of your family. Clear awareness is the very first step!
If this topic speaks to you, reach out for a 1-1 conversation about how you may be able to dive deeper into what is True for you and your family.