5 steps to consciously discipline your child who is hitting their siblings

Parents often ask me how to deal with a child who is hitting their siblings (or being physically aggressive towards their siblings or other children). Most of the time, parents intuitively know that it is not helpful to make a child feel ashamed for their natural human impulse to hit, punch, kick, or bite...YET it can be infuriating and ultimately very concerning to experience violence between your children. And SO these situations most often end in more yelling, confusion, and disconnection between all members of the family.

In her book "Aggression in Play Therapy," Lisa Dion directly addresses the confusion and shame that children often feel in response to how adults in their life handle the aggression they express. She names explicitly the importance of appropriately supporting children in healthy and safe expression of these big feelings...pointing out that "What we suppress, we eventually express."

Here are 5 STEPS to support the whole family after a hitting incident.. 

STEP #1 Create Safety

Do whatever is necessary to establish safety for all children involved. This likely means immediately separating your kids from each other.

It is most important that your children trust that your home is a physically (and emotionally) safe place.

First, address the child who has been hurt, to make sure they are physically safe and briefly acknowledge any feelings of emotional hurt they are still experiencing. ALSO address the child who was hitting…acknowledging the big (usually mad) feeling they are experiencing.

STEP #2 Regulate Yourself

The "repair" and "teaching moment" with your children does not have to happen immediately and will not be as effective if you are in an activated state. Announce a time out for YOU to come back to your center before moving forward. 

You may do this by saying to your child, "I see you are having a big feeling and I am as well. I need to take a minute to calm down then I will be right here to be with you in your big feeling." Here you are modeling appropriate boundaries and self regulation -- and giving your child the opportunity to learn how to find their own center in moments of chaos, knowing you will be with them to support co-regulation soon. 

Tips for regulating yourself - deep breaths, notice body sensations particularly grounding forces such as feet on the ground, repeat helpful mantras such as "Nothing is urgent. In this moment, we are all safe. I am a loving parent." 

STEP #3 Acknowledge the Feelings

Return to your children and name the feelings that you notice — likely sad and scared for the child who was hurt…and anger for the child who became aggressive.

For children and adults, simply feeling acknowledged in a big feeling can tame the big energy. Dan Siegel has coined this idea "Name it to tame it." Also remember that a "child size" problem for a child is a pretty BIG problem in a child’s world. You may acknowledge both the quality and magnitude of the feeling by saying something like "WOW I can tell you are feeling SO mad. Not just a little bit, but SO mad that felt you needed to hurt your little brother." 

Then bottom line is that EVERY BEHAVIOR IS ROOTED IN A FEELING, NEED, OR DESIRE. In order for your child to actually hear a boundary and learn (or be reminded) of a rule, they need to first be understood in the feeling, need, or desire that originally drove the behavior you are attempting to shift.

STEP #4 Ask Questions 

Leave space for your children to share about parts of their experience you may not be aware of. For example you may ask, "What was happening before you hit your brother? In what ways did you feel like something was not fair? How do you feel now?" LISTEN for information you may not be aware of yet and allow your child to feel heard and validated in their experience. There is usually a valid reason they became aggressive as a natural human impulse! It will probably be easiest to keep your children separate and create 1-1 conversations for this part so they have space to feel heard and learn from the situation.

STEP #5 Set Appropriate Boundaries 

Once both you and your children are in a calm state, it is now your job to set boundaries and expectations for safety and offer options of appropriate ways to show anger in the home. You may reiterate that hurting each other is not acceptable in the house, but that anger (especially when someone feels treated unfairly) is a normal human feeling that is allowed. You may give options for your child to show anger in a way that does not hurt themselves or others. Reinforce that your child is NOT a bad child…but rather the dangerous way (by hitting their sibling) they are showing their anger is not safe for the family. Ultimately, your boundaries will be unique to you and your values as a parent. What is important is to be regulated in your delivery and clear with your expectations. Read more tips for boundary setting here. 

NEED MORE SUPPORT?

Most of us didn’t learn healthy boundaries from our parents. Learning how to set clear and consistent boundaries with children (especially the sensitive ones) requires specialized learning. Module 8 of the TUNED IN parenting course (Loving Boundaries) offers the research behind boundaries that actually work and a step-by-step guide to properly implement them for your family. This one is a game changer for many parents (and their children)!

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