I find it so interesting that many sensitive and gifted children who come to my office objectively excel in most areas of their life…yet they often are incredibly hard on themselves and struggle with low self esteem.

Parents often arrive concerned after hearing their children say things like “I am the worst!” or “No one likes me”…or watching their kids obsess over certain activities or academic tasks that they do not perform “perfectly.”

I see a similar pattern in adult clients as well (i.e. the high achieving exec who still never feels like she is a good enough boss or mother).

What I have found is that highly gifted children often experience feeling lonely in their world. They sometimes find themselves in groups of other kids thinking there is something wrong with them because everyone else is connecting in a way that does not fit who they are.

Often times highly intelligent children will end up checking out (disassociating in a way that could even sometimes be misdiagnosed as ADD) when other kids are joking about something they think is childish or silly…or learning something in the classroom that is elementary in comparison to what this child is ready to learn about. As a result, they can feel disconnected from the group and then develop low esteem as a result of feeling like an outsider.

The beautiful part is that if these children are supported (by conscious caregivers, amazing teachers, and other positive supports) in moving towards the challenge of experiencing loneliness, they can actually become more clear on what types of people, groups, and situations they need in order to feel supported and connected.

For example, some children may need to spend time with certain friends 1-1 so that they can teach their peers something new and then they can feel more met in a particular activity… or perhaps they need a regularly scheduled check in with an adult that they feel comfortable with at school, so they have the opportunity to process and integrate difficult situations they have experienced in the day, with someone that can more fully meet their level of understanding.

Often, simply validating their experience of feeling “different” than others (including the adults in their lives) can be enough to help them feel more seen, understood, and connected.

One of the best things you can say to these kiddos is “I believe you and how you are feeling makes sense.” As hard as it is, minimizing the need to fix or solve challenges like this is actually much more supportive in the long run. (In the TUNED IN parenting course, parents are offered A TON of detail on HOW to hold space like this for their children).

Another general rule of thumb for providing healthy growth opportunities for your highly gifted child is the 80/20 rule. Provide experiences for your children where they can feel 80% successful – and where they can experience room for improvement with the other 20% percent. This might mean creating opportunities for them to engage in group activities with other high achieving kids under the guidance of a skillful leader, so they feel fully met by their peers but also supported by a trustworthy adult as they move outside of their comfort zone. It also might mean leveling down your expectations of them in certain moments, so that they have more opportunities to feel successful instead of constantly being challenged (because you have rightfully seen their potential and are pushing them to keep growing perhaps beyond what is useful). Solutions will be creative and different for every family.

If highly gifted children can learn to love who they are and acknowledge their uniqueness, they can start to feel more comfortable with feeling “different” than the masses, as well as build a healthy drive to actively engage with groups of more like minded people.

After all, it is the genius in them that both makes them different from others AND also will guide them to their true brilliance…. which will positively impact themselves, their family, and their community.

It is imperative that highly sensitive and gifted children are celebrated for their brilliant difference, so that they can live into their true purpose and create unique impact on the world in a way that has never been seen before!

If you have a gifted or sensitive child, you may also benefit from establishing clearer boundaries at home so that they can learn the power of containment (Module 8 - Loving Boundaries of the TUNED In course is great for this). Also check out this post on “Leveling up your parenting by replacing disciplinary strategies that don't work with strong boundaries that do.”

Find the right support as a parent

Learn how to support your child in managing their self esteem struggles by taking our TUNED IN parenting course that dives deep into this issues and so much more.

Also, sign up to receive the Top 5 Traits of Highly sensitive kiddos and how to support them (on the home page) for more free content on this topic.

As always, reach out to me with any particular questions, comments, or to seek 1-1 support for your family!

Why highly gifted and sensitive children often struggle with low self esteem