Is your relationship anxiety rooted in trauma?
The connection between trauma, anxiety, and relationships.
Trauma occurs in the context of relationship - either someone was there to help you feel safe in a difficult moment that your body perceived as threatening, or you felt like you had to suffer alone. Therefore, when we find ourselves being overly anxious in our current relationships, we are actually re-enacting fear that is deeply embedded in our nervous system based on previous events.
For example, if you experienced a car accident while driving alone that sent you into a strong fight or flight response (i.e. racing heart, pounding head), you may actually have internalized a belief during this moment that “No one will be here to help me when I am in danger.” Unaddressed, these core beliefs will then drive maladaptive behavior within your relationships (aka you will check your phone 100 times within 10 minutes to see if they responded yet and not be able to focus on anything else until they do)!
Even though we most likely know that we can now trust the loving people around us, the slightest trigger (i.e. a tired and grumpy partner, or an unresponsive crush ) will set our nervous systems into panic mode, and we will play out anxious patterns (such as being clingy, submissive, or overly controlling just to name a few) in a brilliant effort to create safety and security in our current reality.
Healing the anxious heart so that you can settle into healthy relationship.
To rewire anxious patterns that have a sneaky way of taking over our lives, it is crucial to address the root of these patterns. The root of maladaptive core beliefs look different for everyone. A trauma therapist or coach can help you identify and process experiences that have shaped the systems that are currently driving your behaviors (often unconsciously) so that you can show up in your relationships with more clarity and confidence. You can also take steps on your own to create trust and safety within your body and mind through practices such as meditation, daily affirmations (i.e. “I am safe and protected”), mindful movement, and conscious connection with others.
Creating freedom in relationships.
Through processing traumatic events and developing a healthier relationship with yourself, you will likely find that situations that created massive unrest in your nervous systems, causing you to spiral into reactive anxiety, suddenly have much less charge. A sense of ease, confidence, and freedom in relationships can provide the safety and love necessary for you to step into the person you truly are.
If this type of anxiety within relationships sounds like you, learn more from this creative literary depiction of the anxious attachment style.