The Sneaky Voice of Anxious Attachment
I am not going to tell you what I actually want (i.e. to set clear and firm boundaries) because I’m scared if I know and say what I truthfully want, You might leave me (either physically or emotionally).
For self preservation, I’ll actually begin to lie to myself about what I want and therefore lie to you, which creates tension in our relationship.
Masked as cute and sweet, I lie (to myself and to you) as means to set the boundaries I need, without having to feel anger or disappointment.
I will cross your boundaries (and abandon my own that are already porous after years of practice in the art of careful attunement so I can always be one step ahead in knowing what I think you want) in efforts to make you want and need me around and be less likely to leave…all in subconscious efforts to control. Ironically, there’s a high chance, I’ll actually be the one to run away from you.
Perhaps, I’ll run away so that I get to abandon you, instead of risk feeling abandoned or even worse having to be with the “unknown” of anxiously waiting to see if you will abandon ship first…forcing me to be alone with myself.
Or perhaps I’ll run as soon as I finally wake up to the subconscious resentment that I harbor for needing to cross my boundaries (and abandon myself) in my best efforts to be in relationship with you in the best way I know how. So here I am…left with my Self running away from my Self. Talk about anxiety.
The Antidotal Medicine I Seek…
Lean in closer and gently rock the scared and worried child inside of me that learned so brilliantly early on how to feel safe by making sure she kept others around her close. Show me patience as I sweetly tend to the parts of me that have forgotten or perhaps never learned…that I am the One that must be kept close to unconditionally see, love, and want what I want with no apologies.
From here, I can welcome my fear of abandonment as a true ally in steering me away from abandoning myself. The Self that I undoubtedly need, to embody clear boundaries (to both know what I want AND be able to communicate in a way that is received) even if it makes others feel disappointed or mad or rejected. I can recognize that I am not responsible for other people’s (even those that I love deeply) triggers and it might actually be a gift for them to tap into their truth as a reaction to mine. This is healthy connection, founded in Truth instead of Lies.
If you want more information on the potential roots of anxious attachment style patterns, check out this article on the connection between trauma and anxiety in relationships.