What is a Highly Sensitive Child?
Takeaway: Highly sensitive children have special gifts, as well as unique challenges. Thankfully, there are plenty of ways you can help them thrive. In this post, I’ll shed some light on the characteristics of highly sensitive kids and how you can best support them.
Children do not “become” highly sensitive, and there is not much we can do to help our children be less sensitive (other than tactics that would flatten their authenticity and create shame).
Rather, 15-20% of the population are born with the “highly sensitive” personality trait that comes with both amazing gifts and challenges. And, it is truly dependent on the amount of support and acceptance that one receives whether a highly sensitive person will thrive or experience great difficulty.
For those families that think their child might be highly sensitive, it is important that they become educated on the temperament of highly sensitive kids and shift your parenting strategies accordingly.
Everything you need to know about highly sensitive children
Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook for your unique child. And particularly, if you have a sensitive child, it is likely that the standard parenting books are not going to cut it for what your child needs.
In this article, I will provide more information about the characteristics of a highly sensitive child, what makes a child highly sensitive, how highly sensitive children differ from other children, what they need from their families, and how to differentiate high sensitivity from other issues.
WHAT IS A HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD?
According to Dr. Elaine Aron (who pioneered decades of research on the highly sensitive person), a person who qualifies as highly sensitive demonstrates some elements of each of the acronym DOES which stands for:
Depth of Processing:
Your sensitive child will demonstrate a depth of processing that is different than their peers. This means that their nervous system will literally take in more information than others into their brain (with the thalamus acting as the gatekeeper for information coming in and allowing more information through than the average person). This leads to more information and more details in your highly sensitive child's brain.
Depth of processing also allows your child to think deeply about small things in their life, ask lots of questions, and demonstrate a lot of curiosity. It can also lead to difficulty making decisions because there is so much information coming in, as well as overstimulation.
Overstimulated Easily:
Overstimulation happens when our brain doesn't have enough capacity to process all of the information that is coming in.
In the TUNED IN parenting course, I share a lot about child's development within highly sensitive kids and how they are more likely to lose access to the prefrontal cortex (where mindfulness and regulation happen) due to becoming overwhelmed which leads to tantrums and outbursts that feel like regressions to earlier ages.
This is because they are literally losing access to higher parts of their brain due to overstimulation and will often need extra support to come back to center.
Your highly sensitive child should not be punished for this pattern but instead supported to know what they need to stay regulated and manage the way they are processing the great amount of information that they are receiving.
Highly sensitive kids need support from their parents in knowing their own limitations and boundaries. If they don't learn this, they can become overly sensitive.
Empathetic and Emotionally Responsive:
Also because emotionally sensitive kiddos are perceiving so much, they often take on the feelings of others. This is natural to them and should be celebrated. Many times when our emotionally sensitive child are being emotionally intense, they are actually just releasing a feeling that they picked up from connection to another person who was having this feeling!
This is the science of attachment and mirror neurons. We attune to and mirror back what we are picking up from other people's nervous systems. Have you ever felt like you wanted to cry (or did cry) when chatting with a friend going through an experience of grief?
Highly sensitive kids pick up on cues like this all the time. It is important that we help them understand this part of themselves and empower them to notice it without making it wrong. Ultimately, this trait can become a superpower in helping them relate to people well and build strong relationships.
Sensing the Subtle:
Sensitive people have nervous systems that are more sensitive to all of the information coming in through the senses and is able to pick up on more than the average person. This can be a blessing or a curse. When properly supported and validated, a lot of highly sensitive kiddos LOVE LIFE so much because they sense the glory in everything!
When not properly supported, however, and when these children have been made wrong by their parents and teachers for their sensitivities, they often spend their time swinging between overwhelm and shut down.
It is important that we teach our children about their ability to sense the subtle in the environment, help them practice how to tune out information coming into their system that feels like too much, and model how to set boundaries if the environment is feeling overstimulating.
How can you tell if your child is not highly sensitive?
Aron describes that if your child is only sensitive about one thing (especially if it is age appropriate) or if their sensitivities only came about after a stressful life event (i.e. a divorce), it’s likely they are not a highly sensitive child.
Additionally, a common trait between kids with high sensitivities and kids with sensory processing disorder (SPD) is that both can demonstrate over responsiveness. While being a highly sensitive child is a biological trait, sensory processing disorder is a neurological disorder.
It has to do with sensory signals getting confused in the system while being interpreted and can lead to kiddos becoming either under responsive (i.e. spinning in many circles without becoming dizzy) or over-responsive (i.e. very overwhelmed with loud sounds) in a way that can inhibit daily functioning. SPD is best supported with occupational therapy.
WHAT MAKES A CHILD HIGHLY SENSITIVE?
Biological or Neurological?
The high sensitivity trait is biological (vs. neurological) and generally highly sensitive kids cope really well with day to day life but will situationally also become over responsive due to being overstimulated.
Nature vs Nurture?
In terms of nature vs. nurture, this trait is more about nature because it is passed down genetically. However, how you nurture this trait plays a big role in your child learning to cope and thrive in their life.
Non-highly sensitive parents?
This genetic trait is often passed down from at least on parent (or a close relative), although it is possible for two non-highly sensitive parents to produce a highly sensitive child. In this case, it is imperative that these parents get extra education on what their child is experiencing as it might often be hard to attune to and empathize with them due to having a very different make up.
Genetic Differences?
There is not a single gene that causes high sensitivities. Instead researchers have identified a collection of genes that lead to being a highly sensitive person or highly sensitive child. Here is a great article that goes into detail on specific genes. In summary, these sets of genes include:
The Serotonin Transporter Gene - Highly sensitive people hold a unique variation of this gene that causes lower serotonin levels. This is the gene that transports serotonin (the mood balancing chemical) out of the brain and thus serves as the on/off switch for balancing of the mood. So, highly sensitive people with the unique variation demonstrate more sensitivity to surroundings and need special support to stabilize their mood. With the right support, they can avoid mood disorders and harness their high sensitivity for good use.
The Dopamine Genes - There are 10 different gene variants related to dopamine (the brains "reward" chemical") that researchers have connected to high sensitivities. Specifically, researchers have found variants in the dopamine receptors of highly sensitive people which impacts how rewarded or not people feel by external stimuli.
The Emotional Vividness Gene - This gene is related to norepinephrine (a neurotransmitter that helps the body's stress response). Researchers have found a certain variant that increases emotional vividness, meaning people with this variation often experience the world more vividly and more intensely. Here is real scientific evidence that your highly sensitive child likely experiences greater and more intense emotions than others.
The role of the environment
For all these reasons that highly sensitive children are more perceptive to and thus impacted by what their nervous system is taking in, the environment they are raised in matters SO much to how they learn to cope with their sensitivities. Highly sensitive kids are more impacted by a positive or negative environment.
HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE A HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD OR IF SOMETHING ELSE IS GOING ON?
There are some different types of disorders and make ups that might be mistaken for a child being highly sensitive. These include:
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)
While some highly sensitive people also could present with attention deficit disorder, there are some distinct differences. Highly sensitive kids tend to be more reflective than others and can learn thoroughly (although sometimes slowly). Often times highly sensitive kids get overstimulated by noise levels, whereas as the child with ADHD might be looking for more stimulation. Highly sensitive kids can also be better at tuning out distractions and focus well when the environment is calm, whereas the child with ADHD will demonstrate greater difficulty focusing.
Generalized Anxiety
A kiddo with generalized anxiety disorder might demonstrate worry and racing thoughts about most things all the time so much so they can't focus or function in day to day task. A highly sensitive child, however, might seem anxious due their sensing the subtle, depth of processing, and proneness to overstimulation, but they will be able to refocus their energy a lot of the time to focus and excel in school, etc. At the same time, it is possible for a child to be both highly sensitive and be very anxious or shy.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
If a child is going through a big change or has experienced something traumatic, they might exhibit signs that are similar to the highly sensitive person traits. These patterns might include negative cognitions, emotional reactivity, mood irregularity (including depression and anxiety), and patterns of avoidance of certain stimuli. Likely kids with PTSD will exhibit these patterns more intensely and may also show re-experiencing symptoms like flashbacks and nightmares. You'll want to get your child treatment specifically for treating trauma if they have experienced a traumatic event and are showing these symptoms. A combination of EMDR and Play Therapy (with someone who specializes in trauma) is a great supportive option for this.
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD)
As discussed at the beginning of the article, there is a big difference between a child being highly sensitive and having sensory processing sensitivity. A child with high sensitivities generally experiences less problems with every day activity and can learn to adapt their responses to cope. SPD is marked by neurological difficulties in picking up on and organizing sensory signals where as the highly sensitive child trait is marked by kiddos having the ability to take in a ton of information at once.
Supporting your emotionally sensitive child
So now that you have learned "What is a highly sensitive child?"...you have likely been able to determine whether your child is highly sensitive or not. If your child does have a highly sensitive temperament, it is important you take this information seriously and support your child in the unique ways that they require. The rest of this article will offer some tools to start supporting them properly right away.
More common traits and helping highly sensitive children at home
Here are a few more traits of the highly sensitive child paired with some advice to support them at home.
A high need for control which can result in rigidity and inflexibility:
In efforts to regulate and try to create an environment where they can know what to expect, highly sensitive kids will demonstrate a high need for control and might get really upset when they lose that sense of control due to a parent setting a boundary. It is important to understand the root of this need and empathize with the response that comes from losing control while also holding consistent boundaries as parents.
Often need downtime:
If your highly sensitive child doesn't already exhibit a strong need for more time to unwind than their peers, they likely would really benefit from it. More down time allows the nervous system to relax into the rest and digest state, where both sensitive kids and highly sensitive adults can process all of the information they have been taking in all the time.
Easily devastated by harsh discipline:
While many non-sensitive kids response well to standard discipline models, highly sensitive kids are already so hard on themselves and know exactly what they did wrong when they mess up most of the time. It is so important that these kids receive gentle parenting strategies that are catered specifically to their unique sensitivities in order to learn new behaviors. (This is one of the main reasons why I created the TUNED IN parenting course)
Empathetic and aware:
Because your highly sensitive kiddo is likely picking up on every feeling you are experiencing it is really important that instead of becoming easily overwhelmed or easily overstimulated yourself- you are aware of your own emotional experience, learn to manage your emotions, and learn to communicate them authentically. This will support your child in trusting themselves and building self esteem.
HELPING SENSITIVE CHILDREN AT SCHOOL
Although many sensitive children mask their experience of overwhelm well at school, it is important to be aware of unique needs that might come up in a school setting. You will want to attune to when is the right time to advocate for your child in schools, and when is the right time to teach and encourage them to advocate for themselves. Here are some things to consider:
Support your child in communicating their needs
It's always a great idea to teach your child to how to know and communicate their own needs around their sensitivities. This could be as simple as learning when to ask their teacher for a hug or a break....or knowing when they would feel better playing with a friend 1-1 or a whole group of kiddos on the playground. You can create life long empowerment for your child if you teach them how to know, honor, and communicate this sensitivities.
Be your child's voice when appropriate
Sometimes, it is really a great idea for parents to step in and let teachers know about what it means for a child to be highly sensitive. From here, you can engage in brainstorming around how your highly sensitive child can best get their needs met while also respecting the needs of the whole classroom.
Prioritize connection
Make it a point to form positive relationships with other parents and teachers. This will make hard conversation around boundaries that your child needs a whole lot easier. Also prioritize close and safe connection with your child, always. It is much more likely your child will clearly reveal their needs when they are feeling closely connected to you.
Educating the community on high sensitivities
Many people don't know about the highly sensitive personality trait. Taking action to educate other parents and teachers on this will not only support your child in being more understood, but also help others that are viewing the "overly sensitive child" as a problem instead of supporting them in their brilliance! Have 1-1 conversations, create your own presentation for a PTA meeting, or hire an expert to present to your community on this.
Set clear expectations with your kiddo
Boundaries (or what I call loving containment) are an incredible important and necessary parenting component for the highly sensitive child. You'll want to make sure your kiddos know what is okay and what is not okay when it comes to how and where they unleash their big feelings.
RESOURCES FOR SUPPORT
Now that you know your child might show high sensitivity, it will support the whole family so much if you can commit to unique learning and support for your sensitive child. Some resources to consider:
Books
There are some amazing books on this topic. Dr. Elaine Aron authors many of them. Check out the "Highly Sensitive Child" as well as "The Highly Sensitive Parent" (if you are a sensitive person yourself).
Podcasts
Dr. Becky's Good Inside podcast is a great option for many reminders and tips on how to parent what she calls a "Super Feeler Kid." Another great episode on high sensitivity to check out is this one on the Raising Good Humans podcast.
Courses
Coursework is a great day to take matters into your own hands and truly shift your parenting patterns through education. I created the TUNED IN PARENTING course with a strong experiential component that truly allows parents to go on their own healing journey to unpack any blocks to showing up exactly how their child needs.
Therapy
1-1 therapy is a great way to maintain more regular connection to self and the nervous system that is required for a highly sensitive person to thrive. Play therapy is the most recommended form of therapy for kiddos because it allows them to communicate in the language most natural to them, play.
Parent Coaching
It truly takes a village for a family to thrive. Parent coaching is a great way to learn new skills in a way that are personalized for you and other family members to get on the same page when it comes to parenting. I highly recommend finding a great parent coach that is a fit for your unique family.
Learn more about highly sensitive children and how you can help as a parent
Take the highly sensitive child quiz here!
Because these kiddos do have more what's called differential susceptibility, they actually respond more to both positive and negative experiences. So, it is really important that you offer them a positive experience in your parenting approach.
We’re here for you if you are ready for support you in proper understanding that will shift your parenting story for good. Few parents master parenting an exceptional child with traits described here without extra support, even if they are highly aware and highly sensitive people themselves. Even subtle changes will leave cause you to no longer feel frustrated and step into your comfort zone with new self awareness and coping mechanisms.
Read all about our parent coaching services here or our transformational course (for parents of sensitive children) here.
Schedule a free 15 min chat here if you want to come up with a game plan together.