My Son is Very Sensitive and Emotional: What Can I Do to Help Him?

It can be hard to watch your son struggle with big emotions. You especially don’t want them to get hurt by a society that makes it tough for boys to show their feelings. In this post, I’ll teach you about highly sensitive children and give you my top tips for supporting a son who is very sensitive and emotional.

If you are asking the question, “why is my boy so sensitive?”, it is possible that your kiddo makes up 15-20% of the population that classify as highly sensitive. (I’ll share a lot more in this article about what that means or check out this article on highly sensitive kids).

From the beginning of life, both boys and girls perceive clues of expectations and behavior models from home, day care, school, culture, social media, marketing, entertainment, and their unique upbringing (Maata & Uusiautti, 2020). All of these clues form their patterns.

The reality is that within these messages, boys across the board are taught to “toughen up” and “be strong.” Recent research even underlines a school success gap between boys and girls, showing that boys are taught to oppose “study culture” (Houtte, 2004). 

This research also shows that parents are the most important socializing agents for their kiddos (especially before they go to school) and that most parents, whether intentionally or not, teach their boys not to be sensitive. More on this later! 

The problem is that if you are raising a sensitive boy… you are raising a sensitive boy. Telling him to toughen up will only create bigger mental health problems down the line. If he continues to get messages that something is wrong with him for being who he is, he will come to believe that it is not acceptable to be himself. This article will cover all the ways you can fully support your sensitive boy. 

Why is my son so sensitive?

As I mentioned earlier, about 15-20% of the population meet the criteria of being a highly sensitive person. These people have fine tuned nervous systems that perceive more, can accomplish greater tasks, and also experience greater highs and lows (for longer periods of times) than their non-highly sensitive counterparts. Dr. Elaine Aron and her colleagues have researched these traits extensively, and I’ll share more of her resources later. 

So why is your son so sensitive? Likely, he simply won the genetic lottery that offers him a unique set of traits. Highly sensitive people often become incredibly successful members of our society when given the right support to thrive. Due to their high sensitivities, however, these kiddos are more impacted by both negative and positive parenting… so it is really important that you learn how to parent your highly sensitive boy well.

Research indicates that parenting your boy with high hostility and low warmth in the young years leads to more rule breaking behavior and mental health issues later (Trang & Yates, 2020). For a sensitive boy, the odds of dysfunction as a result of this kind of harsh parenting grow even higher.  

CHARACTERISTICS OF A HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD

For your child to be qualified as highly sensitive, they need to demonstrate some but not all of the following traits. And in my opinion (based on years of study and experience as a licensed child therapist and parent coach), it is generally useful to always honor and parent towards children’s sensitivities (regardless of whether they qualify as a highly sensitive person or not). 

Some of the qualities you might notice in your highly sensitive child include: 

High intuition and perception:

You might notice that your child picks up subtle cues in the environment and sometimes it even feels like he is “reading your mind.” This is one of the greatest superpowers that highly sensitive people have!

Prone to anxiety, stress, overwhelm/ more meltdowns than peers:

Highly sensitive kiddos have very fine tuned nervous systems that become more activated by triggers than their peers. Learning tools to help your kiddo regulate back to center (and not making them wrong for how their system works) will be imperative. 

Averse to change:

Change is hard for us all. When raising a sensitive boy, you may notice even more resistance to changes. This is because the nervous system feels threatened by not knowing what is coming. Also, because your kiddo has a more sensitive system, they may attempt to avoid getting activated by change. This is an natural response to their own sensitivities.

Fear and caution in new situations:

It is a highly adaptive part of highly sensitive people’s makeup that many take more caution in new situations. This trait has a lot of benefits for success and survival in the long run. Young, sensitive boys, however, are often pushed by school and family to ignore this part of themselves and encouraged to dive into new situations before they are ready.  Because of this caution that comes up, highly sensitive kids are sometimes misperceived as shy or introverts. 

Uncomfortable in certain scratchy/rough fabrics and tags on clothes:

Oftentimes highly sensitive kids perceive sensory input with more intensity than others. Your kiddo may complain about uncomfortable sensations like how the tags on clothes feel on their skin. Some highly sensitive kiddos are too stuck in anxiety or other distractions to notice, and this isn’t so much of an issue for them. 

Startle easily:

Because your highly sensitive child is perceiving more, they may become more startled by unexpected sensory input. Sometimes a big outburst that you assume is related to anger might actually be related to fear that came up by being startled.

Easily devastated by harsh discipline:

Ah, this is such a big one. There’s multiple modules in my TUNED IN parenting course on why shame based discipline REALLY doesn’t work for the highly sensitive child (and what to do instead). If you’re raising sensitive boys, you’ve likely noticed that harsh discipline can spiral them into a pretty dark place.

Seem wiser than their years:

Some highly sensitive boys truly share wisdom that seems far beyond their years. This can be one of the most rewarding parts of raising a sensitive boy. Always remember that even if your kiddo can demonstrate great maturity sometimes, he still has a developing brain, so there will be other times that he regresses back to younger developmental stages. This is natural. 

Often annoyed by bright lights and noisy places:

This relates to sensory overload and can be really common. It’s important to believe your child when they say they are overwhelmed in overstimulating situations and try your best to remove them from the environment if it’s truly too much for them.

Loving and empathetic:

Technically, empathy doesn’t truly develop until age 8 or 9. Studies demonstrate that this age might even be later for the male heart and brain. You sensitive boy, however, might show signs of high levels of empathy at even earlier ages. This also sometimes comes with the ability to notice other people’s feelings more. 

A high need for control which can result in rigidity and inflexibility:

A strategy that many sensitive people take on is to try to control the parts of their lives that they perceive they can control. This is really just an effort to regulate the nervous system and feel a sense of “being okay.” Try to honor that your child’s behavior is coming from a place of trying to feel some sense of power…and look for ways you can offer them a sense of choice and control that work for the whole family (i.e. letting them choose what songs to play in the car). 

Perfectionism:

This is a big one. Bottom line is that sensitive kids can be extremely hard on themselves. It is especially important to teach and model self compassion to support your kiddos in moving towards more flexibility when it comes to perfectionism. This is a process that takes time. 

Often need downtime:

Your highly sensitive boy likely needs a lot of downtime to unwind and regulate. This is really normal…and if you aren’t offering much of this, it would probably benefit everyone in the family to start to prioritize more down time for your sensitive child.

SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS FOR RAISING A SENSITIVE BOY

80% of males in the United States learn that the only acceptable emotion is anger (according to the author of the Strong, Sensitive Boy). Unfortunately, this makes sense living in an international culture where violence and war is rampant; and most of the time, it is our male identifying members communities that are asked to be on the front lines. Beyond actual war, our nation continues to fight a war on domestic violence and gun violence.

Bottom line… our kiddos are taught to be insensitive from a young age and unfortunately our male children are most vulnerable to losing the gifts of their sensitivity. 

If you’re raising a highly sensitive boy, you will want to take the following considerations:

Awareness and Empathy:

You’ll want to have increased empathy and awareness around that fact that he is likely getting many messages from many different places that his inherent makeup (his high sensitivities) are wrong or bad. 

Education:

You’ll want to provide a lot of education to your kiddo that explains what it means to be highly sensitive. This will help your son feel empowered to understand how his brain and nervous system works. Also because many highly sensitive kids are wise beyond their years, you can often engage them in very mature conversations (such as explaining how performance anxiety works and how if they are not performing “perfectly” under stress, that would be a normal reaction). 

Advocacy:

You’ll likely need to advocate for your chid’s sensitivities at school and around extra curricular activities. In her book “The Highy Sensitive Parent,” Elaine Aron talks about how this can be particularly hard for the highly sensitive parent who is also perceiving more within interpersonal relationships than the average person. But bottom line is that your boy will likely need special accommodations at some point if his sensitivities are to be truly honored. 

Model acceptance around sensitivities:

Kids learn almost everything through what they see and what is modeled to them (not what is told to them). This is the science of mirror neurons. It will be so important that you model acceptance of your own sensitivities and other family member’s sensitivities, so that your kiddo gets the message that his sensitivities matter. If your son feels more permission to ask for what he needs (and trust that those needs will be respected), it is less likely he will explode with a big outburst later. 

Practice healthy emotional assimilation

Sensitive kids have to learn how to move feelings through their system easefully. There is no avoiding the large amount of feelings that highly sensitive people experience… if they aren’t released they will be kept in and become anxiety or anger outbursts around unrelated topics at other times. The best way to teach your kiddo how to do this and to be able to support them in their own process is to learn how to do it yourself. Check out my article on “Replacing the pressure to stop being so sensitive by learning how to properly digest and absorb feelings” here for a step by step guide. 

What to do (and avoid) when raising a sensitive boy

Now that you have an understanding of what makes up a highly sensitive person, it will be important to adjust your parenting strategies to best practices for the highly sensitive child. Raising a highly sensitive child requires a different approach than the average child. Raising a highly sensitive boy provides a unique set of challenges in a culture that fails to honor sensitivities especially in males. Now I’ll provide several strategies for effectively parenting a highly sensitive boy, as well as things to avoid. 

TIPS FOR RAISING SENSITIVE BOYS

Parenting is a challenging journey for EVERYONE that requires incredible patience and trust in the process. It is most important to offer yourself kindness as you learn and to accept that there is really no way to be a “perfect” parent. No matter what you do, your child will have their unique challenges, because that is how they learn and grow! Here are some tips to consider in raising your sensitive boy: 

Prioritize Connection:

Highly sensitive kids thrive off of 1-1 time. Often for some, it is non-negotiable that they get this regularly from loving caregivers in their life. Even 10-15 min of intentional 1-1 time can be enough if you prioritize staying really present with your kiddo. In my TUNED IN course, I have a bonus 15 minute audio that explains the nitty gritty details of how to offer effective 1-1 time. I’d be happy to share it with you, because I know it can be a game changer for kids if their parents master this. Reach out with the subject line “prioritize connection”, and I’ll send it to you!

Encourage regulation and co-regulation:

Think about this. When your baby was in the womb, they couldn’t survive without your (or their mother’s)  heartbeat to regulate their nervous system. When your child is young, they still need YOU to help them regulate. This is really normal. Spend a lot of time regulating with your child by doing calming activities together especially those that involve the body, physical touch, and lots of present attention.

The more you can offer your child this, the more they can do it on their own (even if that feels counterintuitive). Also, you get to regulate and receive nourishment in your own system as the parent when you prioritize this. Regulation activities that involve creativity and embodiment can be especially useful for your sensitive boy.

Provide consistent routine and structure:

Kids really thrive off of routine and structure, especially sensitive kids. Be as consistent as possible with your routines (especially in the morning and evening). This will provide a lot of regulation for your child and boundaries in which they feel more free to relax and explore. It can be a lot of work on the front end to instill this kind of structure, but it generally works really well. 

Offer loving boundaries:

Highly sensitive kids respond WAY better to redirection and boundaries set from a place of loving connection than when they are set up to feel wrong or shamed. Also, prioritize loving connection first, then you can set the boundary later when they can actually hear it.

Normalize sensitivities:

Talk a lot about what it means to be sensitive, and how people of all genders can be sensitive. Make it clear to your child that feelings are allowed and important! You can explain that feelings give us a lot of good information about what we need, want and care about if we can learn to listen to them. If you are someone that has a difficult time processing feelings, you can even tell your child that truth! Let them know that you are working on understanding your feelings more! That way, they still get the message that feelings are allowed and important. 

Connect your child with like minded people: 

If your son is very sensitive and emotional, it will be important that he spends time with other sensitive people so that he feels a sense of belonging. You may arrange for him to spend time with a sensitive family member or enroll him in an activity (perhaps a creative one) with a group of people that seem to be more sensitive. 

AVOID THESE MISTAKES WHEN RAISING SENSITIVE BOYS

You’ll want to avoid some of the following pitfalls in raising your sensitive boy. 

Mistake 1: Telling your boy to “toughen it up” or just “be strong” 

Your sensitive boy will get enough messages from our culture that he should “just be tough.” If you can provide a safe sanctuary at home where your son feels comfortable expressing vulnerable feelings, he will be able to stay regulated out in the world (knowing there will a space to release his feelings later). Telling your boy to just be strong (when he is having big feelings) will feel confusing and make him feel like something is wrong with him.

Mistake 2: Invalidating or ignoring your child’s experience 

Our culture generally capitalizes on invalidating our authentic experiences. It is easy to take on a mindset that invalidates are own feelings and our children’s feelings. It will be so important that your kiddo feels like his needs, feelings, and desires are valid so that he learns to trust himself! Remember that a child size problem for a child is a really big problem! (i.e. a child that gets their toy car stolen in the sandbox might have an equivalent experience to an adult getting their real car stolen in a parking lot). 

Mistake 3: Minimizing your own feelings in front of your child

Your child is watching you always! If he sees you minimizing your own feelings, he will learn to do the same. (cue big outburst later when it has to come out somewhere!). Start to notice and name your own experiences of frustration, anger, sadness and fear. Your child will love to see how you handle it and regulate through the feeling! You might want to also mention that this feeling is not your child’s fault and you are in control of handling it in your own body. This is because sometimes highly sensitive kids take on the role of caregiver of others’ feelings, and you don’t want them to feel this burden. 

Mistake 4: Pushing your child towards activities he is not interested in 

It’s really hard not to project on our kiddos and push them towards what WE think is best for them. Generally, we are operating from a subconscious place when we are getting activated (i.e. stressed) around what we think our child “should” be doing. With a sensitive child, it is especially important to trust them to trust themselves and not impose “shoulds” on them. 

Mistake 5: Keeping your schedule too full 

I see this one a lot in my therapy practice. We live in busy times and most people have schedules (including myself!) that are far too full for optimal mental and physical health. More space to unwind and just BE without plans is absolutely necessary to see improvements in your highly sensitive child’s behavior. This kind of space will allow your child to slowly unwind, process feelings, and release emotions without the big explosions that come from the pressure of not having proper time to decompress.

Get support in raising sensitive boys

As a therapist and parent coach, I’m a huge believer in getting support for whatever isn’t working. If you’re having a hard time consistently meeting your sensitive boy’s needs, there is certainly help available to make it feel so much easier! I’ll now share some resources on where parents of sensitive boys can gain more education and support.

RESOURCES FOR RAISING A SENSITIVE BOY

If you’re asking yourself “why is my son so sensitive?” there are many different options for good support with your very sensitive and emotional son. Some people prefer 1-1 support. In which case finding a child therapist or parent coach can be a really good way to get to the bottom of whatever is preventing you and your child from thriving together. Some prefer to learn through books and course work. Here are some of my favorite resources:

Dr. Elaine Aron’s work on the highly sensitive person: 

Check out Dr. Elaine Aron’s books. My favorites are The Highly Sensitive Child and The Highly Sensitive Parent. There are audiobooks available so you can take them in on the go! 

Dr. Becky’s Good Inside content: 

Dr. Becky talks about “super-feeler” kids and shares a ton of practical tips in her podcasts, courses, and online community forum.

This Parenting the Highly Sensitive Child Podcast:

This podcast episode (a convo between Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart and Dr. Aliza of the Raising Good Humans podcast) is hands down one of the best I have heard in a long time around how to understand your highly sensitive child and how to support them. Let me know what you think.

The Rooted Rhythm Parenting Philosophy:

After years of studying these topics and experiencing highly sensitive kiddos as a child therapist, I have distilled what I have learned into a parenting philosophy that works really well for highly sensitive kids. You can shift your way of being with your highly sensitive child by taking my self-paced 10 module course or working with my 1-1 with my parent coaching services. Contact me or schedule a 15 min virtual conversation if you want to talk about what might be a fit for you!   

Citations:

Maata, K., & Uusiautti, S. (2020). Nine contradictory observations about girls’ and boys’ upbringing and education: The strength-based approach as the way to eliminate the gender gap. Frontiers in Education. https://doi.org/10.3389/feduc.2020.00134

Trang, D. T., & Yates, T. M. (2020). (in)congruent parent–child reports of parental behaviors and later child outcomes. Journal of Child and Family Studies. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-020-01733-1

Van Houtte, M. (2004). Why boys achieve less at school than girls: The difference between boys' and girls' academic culture. Educational Studies, 30(2), 159–173. https://doi.org/10.1080/0305569032000159804