3 Steps to Support Your Sensitive Child in Big Feelings That Stress You Out
About 80% of the time, when your child is coming to you with a big feeling, they not only don’t want you to fix it, they actually need you to not fix it…and to instead tolerate and model simply hanging out with them in the feeling.
Yes, about 20% of the time, your child does truly need you to take action to support them and perhaps even “fix” a situation for them. Use particular caution for when your child may really need your support in advocating for their needs in situations of sibling rivalry, academic/emotional needs at school, and support with tasks that are clearly outside of your child’s capacity.
Call on your parental intuition to determine what is being asked for and offer yourself grace in being human, when you don’t aways offer the perfect support!
Try on the following steps to fully show up and support your sensitive child in their big feelings:
1. Feel it in your own body.
Ground into the present moment (where co-regulation can happen most easily) by noticing what feelings are coming up in your own body. (You may even google and print out a “feelings and sensation wheel” to have on hand for easy reference…it doesn’t have to be rocket science!)
Example from Parent 1: As my daughter is expressing her overwhelm about the transition from playtime to bath time, I notice that my chest feels tight and my hands feel hot. I am feeling both angry that she is being so loud and not listening…as well as anxious that I am not going to get everything done I need to if this carries on, and then we will all miss out on sleep again tonight.
Example from Parent 2: As my son is expressing feeling left out by his group of friends at school, my heart feels sad and worried. I am scared for him that he is not learning the social skills that will be necessary for him to feel happy and safe in the world.
2. Name the feeling out loud.
Simply state out loud to your child the feelings and sensations that you are currently experiencing. Also remind your child that it is a good thing for parents to have feelings, and that your feelings are not theirs to hold! This step is all about modeling emotional awareness and regulation - not making your child feel any sense of responsibility of what you are feeling.
Example from Parent 1: “Honey, it makes sense that having to stop playing makes you really upset …but I’m started to feel really mad in my body and also worried that we are not going to get a good nights sleep. And then we will be grumpy tomorrow instead of having energy to play. I feel tight in my chest and hot in my hands. My feelings are not your fault, but I do want to share them with you.”
Example from Parent 2: “Buddy, my heart feels really sad when I think of the story you told me about feeling left out on the playground. If I were you, I may have wanted to cry in that moment. It is healthy for me to also have feelings when I am worried about someone I love, and I don’t need you to worry or fix them for me.”
3. Offer curiosity and trust the process.
Ask your child how they feel! Offer some choices or options if it feels helpful. Give space for them to share as much or as little as they want without trying to control or fix how they are feeling. This will literally activate your child’s higher brain functioning (where mindfulness, conversation, and problem solving lives) and support them in down regulating as well.
Your child may just want to move on and regulate with some distraction, which is okay! They may also not yet be grounded and down regulated enough to enter a conversation, and that is also okay! You can come back to it later if it still feels relevant.
Offering PERMISSION for any part of your child that shows up in this moment is where the magic is.
Example from Parent 1: “What does your body feel like at the moment? If I were you, I would be pretty sad and maybe even mad that I had to stop playing with my favorite toy. How is it for you?”
Example from Parent 2: “What do you think? How does this situation make you feel? If words don’t feel like a good way to tell me, maybe you could draw me a picture of what it feels like for you.”
That’s it!
Keep in mind that sometimes what feels triggering to your system actually might not feel like a big deal to your child! Stay open and curious, check your own stories and projections, and give your child SPACE to be in their process with whatever feelings are arising.
If you can master this process, you will offer your child these very important life skills:
Increased distress tolerance
Increased coping skills and resiliency
Increased emotional safety
Increased self awareness
Increased self trust that one’s feelings are valid
Increased ability to self regulate and respond to others instead of an automatic impulse to react, reject, and project on others or the environment
If you always jump towards problem solving or fixing, your child might learn:
“My feelings aren’t valid.”
“All I have to do is cry and then I can get whatever I want.”
“I am not okay until I feel differently than I am feeling in this moment.”
“I am not okay the way I am.”
“My parent is not okay because of how I am feeling, and it’s my fault.”
“I have to take care of how other people around me are feeling.”
“There is something wrong with me.”
Many other negative beliefs that might cost you many therapy sessions later in your child’s life!
Make a commitment to offer a template of wellness and empowerment (even in the face of challenging feelings) to your child…instead of one of stress, chaos, and overwhelm. Kids can only relax and trust in the process to the extent that you show them how.
It is time to show up.
You’ve got this.
The Rooted Rhythm™ Tuned In Parenting Philosophy supports parents and kids in finding what's True, to achieve wellness and ease for the whole family.
Check out the Parenting Highly Sensitive Children course for huge transformation around these topics!
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