Rooted Rhythm™ Tuned In Parenting Principles
Rooted Rhythm™ Parent Coaching was founded on the belief that when both parents and kids have the correct structures in place to safely embody their authentic selves and to Root into their true Rhythm, wellness and ease is possible for the whole family.
NOTE: If you love these tips and want to be held in deeply embedding these kinds of attitudes into your parenting approach, you won’t want to miss the TUNED IN parenting course.
The Rooted Rhythm™ Tuned In Parenting Principles are at the core of our philosophy:
#1 Relax into the present moment, and replace any sense of urgency with patience.
Kids are great at making you feel like every matter is very urgent! This is developmentally appropriate, as they are functioning much more of the time from lower (more primal) parts of their brain. Little ones need US (the grown ups!), however, to teach them how to use the higher parts of their brain (where self control, rational thinking, and communication lives) by holding our center in moments of chaos. Our kids will only learn how to slow down and find a calm place in their hearts if we show them!
The moments when it feels hardest to ground and access our center is when kids need to see us there most! This is the science of mirror neurons…otherwise known as “monkey see, monkey do”. If we want our kids to learn patience, we have to embody it. In a moment of chaos, take a “parent time out” and try a simple meditation of breathing in “tolerance” and breathing out “patience,” as you imagine a healing ball of light rolling up and down your spine. Nothing is urgent! You’ve got this.
#2 Trust and honor your child’s process - as a mirror of your own process.
Speaking of “monkey see, monkey do,” any behavior you are noticing in your child has been learned from somewhere (usually their parents). Sometimes it just manifests in a slightly different form that feels foreign or new (i.e. the child that is holding in and refusing to go to toilet that has learned from a parent that letting go is too scary of a choice to make).
As hard as it is to take a look in the mirror, most of the time when we are triggered by a behavior our child is showing us, it is because we have not yet fully integrated and mastered a more fully developed version of this part in ourselves.
For example if a child is constantly blaming or shaming their sibling (or themselves) and saying “you should do this” or “you should have done this,” most likely they have been picking up on overt or covert ways that we (as parents) are “shoulding on” (aka shaming and blaming) ourselves and the people around us. The only way for kids to learn self love is for them to see it on us first. This kind of healing requires brave levels of depth and introspection (as the Tuned In parent) to own our own sh*t and make internal shifts, so that we can grow WITH our kids.
#3 Prioritize connection.
At the core of all human beings is a basic need for connection. When you neglect your child of connection in the moments they are most dysregulated, there is a high chance you will send their system into true panic (if they are not already there). Ground yourself and open your heart to your child when they need you most, even if connection in that moment looks like you sitting on the floor of their room for a 90 minute temper tantrum, energetically letting them know “I am right here with you.” Please don’t let your own doubts and fears that you should be doing more or you should be able to “fix” your child’s feelings get in the way of offering present moment connection.
Discipline and boundaries can be offered later when your child is in a place to receive them, but you are surely talking to a brick wall if you try to offer direction to your child when their brain neurons are firing in the part of the brain where tantrums live that literally doesn’t have access to clear communication. Particularly for highly sensitive kids, time outs and isolation generally do not work. (Note this is not always the case. Some kids actually respond really well to the “containment” and opportunity to connect with themselves that comes from a timeout when they are feeling out of control, as long as the time out does not come with a side of shame and anger from the parent…more on this another time…)
Please also consider that when a child (or adult) has been triggered into a tantrum state, they are quite literally operating (from a neuroscience standpoint) as a 2 or 3 year old. Asking someone to act their age in this moment is unhelpful and can create templates of shame and confusion.
#4 Embrace loving boundaries.
There is nothing more dysregulating for the highly sensitive child than not having clarity on what the boundaries are. Take time to communicate clearly what the rules are in moments when your child can hear you and be patient if your child requires a lot of reminders. Most kids need to be reminded of rules multiple times before they really land and integrate in their system.
Tune in and get really clear with yourself on what boundaries are required in your home for you to keep your cool. It is natural for kids to push the boundaries until they learn them! When you feel like the rules aren’t being respected…stay grounded, offer connection and attunement to your child, then firmly remind them of the boundary. Give them space to have a reaction to your boundary (i.e. whining, complaining…this is also human), but do not budge on boundaries that you know matter most in order to avoid unnecessary overwhelm and resentment (also a natural reaction to ignoring your own true boundaries).
Especially for gifted and sensitive kids, it can be really beneficial to collaborate with them on family rules and expectations so that they can truly buy in! For rules that are negotiable (i.e. if teeth get brushed before or after jammies go on), genuinely ask your child to help choose what will be best. This will offer them a template of the world that their voice matters!
#5 Show up authentically and with curiosity.
More than anything, kids want to FEEL you… the TRUE you! It is incredibly confusing for kids to feel parents showing up in a way that isn’t actually true and authentic. It’s as if someone was smiling big at you but saying out loud “I’m SO mad at you!” Every alarm system in your body will go off saying “This is not safe!”
Be honest with yourself about what you are feeling in any given moment and let your words and communication match your internal state. It is okay for kids to hear you say “I’m feeling really sad today” or “I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and a bit confused today.” This is a necessary way, in fact, to teach emotional awareness and regulation through naming feelings!
Lastly, approach interactions with your child with as much openness as possible! Get really curious about what kids are truly trying to communicate to you through their words or play. Every behavior has an underlying function or associated need. For example, if your child continues to throw objects at you, it is likely they are trying to get your attention for support with a big feeling…or perhaps wanting to demonstrate an experience of feeling overwhelmed in their life. Another example…if your child is choosing not to answer you for fifth time you have asked the same question, it is likely they are quite literally tuning out (and actually don’t hear you) to meet a need of needing some space and internal time to regulate.
YES, get on your child’s level (emotionally and physically) and set the boundary at the right moment that throwing objects at humans is not allowed in the house...or it is required that your child answer what they would like for dinner but then they can go back to taking some space. But PLEASE don’t miss the opportunity to attune to the deeper meaning your child is trying to communicate with you…and then support them in finding a way to meet the underlying need that will work for both them and boundaries of your home.
Check out more content on many of Tuned In parenting topics , and of course the TUNED IN parenting course. As always reach out for individual support if you are ready for a personalized container to dive in to healing!