4-Year Olds Behavior: What’s Typical and What’s Not?
Takeaway: Every child is different, so it can be hard to tell what’s “normal” behavior for a 4-year old and what might be an indicator that they need some extra support. In this post, you’ll gain insight into 4 year old's’ behavior: what’s typical, what’s not, and how to help your kiddo.
Parents approach my child therapy and parent coaching practice often overwhelmed by 4-yr old behavior issues and wondering what they can do to support their kiddo in healthy development. Many parents express concern that they are doing something wrong or worry that if they are dealing with difficult behavior now, difficulties will only worsen over time.
It becomes really important that adults in a 4-year old's life learn what is to be expected to be dealing with at this stage, as well as what patterns might indicate some developmental delays or regression. Being a parent of a 4-year old is a super unique time because your kiddo has made it past the toddler stage but still has limited (and selective) access to the prefrontal cortex that accounts for executive functioning (like consistent listening, fully understanding boundaries, and making clear choices).
This article will summarize typical 4-year old behavior and support you in supporting your child's optimal growth regardless of their developmental pace compared to other kids.
Everything you need to know about 4-year old behavior
It makes so much sense that a parent, who has made it through the terrible twos but is still seeing some 4-year old's behavior that feels concerning, would want to understand their child's behavior in the context of other children in the same stage.
In this section, I will provide information about typical and atypical behavior for 4 year old children. It is also important that parents (of children of any age) prioritize staying calm and trusting that every person has their own rate of development and that all children grow at a unique pace.
“Normal” 4 year old behavior
As summarized in Dr. Louise Bates Ames' book, "Your 4 Year: Wild and Wonderful" based on research from the Gesell Institute of Human Development (which studied thousands of children over 100 years), it should be expected that children go through stages of equilibrium and disequilibrium as they are growing.
Therefore, it is important to understand that your child's growth looks like a spiral up, meaning that it will seem like they are going through regressions as they grow and thus patience is required for everyone in the family. In other words, the journey might always involve two steps forward and one step back; and this is normal.
Also, as mentioned earlier, please keep in mind that every child is unique! Your child, for instance, may be particularly gifted or qualify as a highly sensitive child which would likely result in their presenting with different behaviors (such as greater outbursts or increased/decreased outbursts).
Check out this article for a detailed explanation of the sensitive child (and how to decipher between high sensitivities and other disorders like ADHD). With that said, Dr. Ames underlines the following common patterns for the average 4 years old:
HIGH ENERGY
It is very normal for 4 year olds to have A TON of energy. Part of enjoying this stage requires acceptance of the extreme energy that is required to match a 4 year old. These kids are not meant to sit still! In my therapy practice, I unfortunately read way too many school reports that take issue with a child's behavior who is fidgeting or moving their bodies "too much."
A preschooler is in the process of taking more control over their body, AND moving their bodies is a natural regulatory tool that they should be encouraged to use. A lot of physical activity and outside time is SO important at this stage, as there is so much energy to burn! Welcome to the ferocious fours!
DISCOVERING POWER AND INDEPENDENCE
For better and for worse, a 4 year old begins to discover that the adults in their life happen to not be "all powerful" and the their actions can shift the responses of those around them. They learn that they can disobey house rules, and they are ultimately still safe (more on why clear boundaries and conscious discipline are so important later).
Additionally, a 4 year old will demonstrate more independence than they did in earlier stages, while also oscillating back to co-dependence and a strong need for connection in other moments. This back and forth is normal!
EXUBERANT TEMPERAMENT
Most (but not all!) 4 year olds are super enthusiastic, joyous, and always up for a good time! This means it is totally normal if your child gets so excited that they need support in finding a calm headspace again...and it is totally developmentally appropriate for your child to want to play instead of going to sleep! You will miss this stage so much when your kiddo is a teenager and only wants to sleep or hang out with friends with little excitement to hear your perspective or engage in family time.
NOVELTY SEEKING
Your 4 year old child will likely LOVE anything new. It would be normal that they seek new experiences and new toys, even if it feels frustrating that they always expect something new! It is important not to shame these interests and desires.
It is possible to both set boundaries around what you can offer or not...and join your child in their excitement for anything new! Also be aware of when you are projecting shame or denial that you have might have received in your childhood for behaviors that are a normal part of this stage. This is an important part of your kiddo's healthy steps toward increasing independence.
HIGHLY VERSATILE
It is also normal for your 4 year old to change states very quickly. One moment, they might be super open and excited; the next closed and shut down. One moment, they. might be social and artistic; the next not interested in any such activity. It is important to allow your child to ride these waves and try on different ways of being.
It would also be normal for your 4 year old to get braggy or bossy, as they are learning all they can do in the world. Try not discipline or make your child feel "in trouble" for their rapid changes in state while also being aware of setting a good example for more easeful regulation.
TESTING THE BOUNDARIES
Typical preschoolers' behavior includes often going out of bounds and consistently testing limits! This may be due to developing impulse control, but it is also a really natural part of learning what the rules are. It is important not to shame your child for testing limits but instead teach them new behavior.m You can teach new behavior most effectively by offering positive reinforcement, setting an example of healthy regulation, and focusing on what CAN be done instead of what CAN'T.
Ironically, 4 year olds actually LOVE boundaries and ultimately want to understand house rules. For example, they might feel really grounded by being reminded of the bedtime routine once they are used to the structure.
It is so crucial to learn how to set clear boundaries at this stage to support in this development. Typically, a time out does not create lasting behavior shifts. (Module 8 - LOVING BOUNDARIES - of the Tuned in Parenting course is a game changer for building this skill, without using techniques that don't work well in the long term parent-child relationship like time outs or shaming).
CURIOUS AND CREATIVE
From a child development perspective, it would be expected that these kids have pretty active imaginations and like to engage in creative play. Pretend play is a big part of this age and stage. The 4 year old also loves to talk and have discussions. They will ask SO many questions. Their curiosity and sense of humor often also leads them to especially love using potty language (this is normal).
It is also a natural part of language development for kiddos to sometimes pick up on inappropriate language. Try to stay neutral and calm when setting boundaries around what language is allowed and not allowed, so as not to diminish your child's innocent sense of curiosity, wonder, and learning.
4 year old behavior issues
Now that you have a sense of some age appropriate expectations, here are some considerations of behaviors that might be seen as atypical of 4 year olds or behaviors that may indicate the need for extra support.
PHYSICAL AGGRESSION
While it would be normal behavior for a 4 year old to sometimes demonstrate a lack of impulse control with their body, in general they should be more able to use words to express anger than physical aggression.
If your kiddo is consistently hurting themselves or others in order to express themselves or attempt to solve problems (beyond some normal and playful sibling rivalry)... it is probably a good idea to seek some support (perhaps from your child's doctor as a starting point for referrals or a child therapist) as well as begin to create more clear rules as a family.
Please also note, that it is actually pretty typical for 2 to 3 year olds to express feeling mad through some physical aggression. Therefore, if your 4 year old is demonstrating physical aggression, this behavior could simply indicate some behavioral regression which can be supported by helping them "grow up" towards their actual age vs shaming.
Check out the TUNED IN module on increasing curiosity and reducing shame by understanding developmental stages for more on how to support regression. This is especially important for highly sensitive children who often revert to impulse aggression in an effort to manage feeling overstimulated.
DIFFICULTY VERBALIZING FEELINGS
It is age appropriate for 4 year olds to not always but sometimes be able to express (with words) feelings such as disappointment, sadness, and anger. If your kiddo demonstrates no ability to access these emotions other than extreme states of dysregulation, it is likely a good option to focus on building their social emotional capacity in these areas. Modeling this in yourself is an important component of teaching your kiddos to do the same.
Module 7 (Parent self healing, self care, and self regulation) of the TUNED IN parenting course provides a lot of support to many parents who have blocks to health emotional processing and verbalization themselves.
UNABLE TO SELF REGULATE
At this stage, your kiddo should have developed some skills to self regulate. This will require modeling self regulation as a parent, offering opportunities for co-regulation, AND setting clear boundaries when the reality is that you can't be available to your child to help them regulate in every moment.
It is a requirement of most preschoolers in a traditional school setting that they have some capacity to self regulate especially during hard times (even if sometimes they forget), so it important to foster these skills in your kiddo.
Although it may seem counterintuitive, the best way to teach your child how to self regulate is actually to show them how while they are in safe relationship to you. Check out the free bonus audio (how to offer 1-1 time) to your child on this page as a starting point.
WORRIES AND ANXIETY
A 4 year old is generally pretty care free especially when it comes to "big" worries and concerns for big concepts. While their exuberant spirit and interest in fun can support them in engaging in play that is often happy and joyous, it is also very appropriate for these kids to express concern or fear.
You'll just want to pay attention to when it feels like overwhelming anxiety is preventing your kiddo from connecting peacefully with themselves and others around them. Check out this article to determine if your kiddo's worries might be due to a bigger issue like Generalized Anxiety Disorder or simply part of their personality as a highly sensitive child.
Get support for common 4 year old behavior problems
Regardless of whether your 4 year old is demonstrating "good behavior" or "bad behavior," the fact of the matter is that any mom or dad could use support in their family lives, as they put one foot in front of the other on the parenting journey. And it is a journey! Here are some ways you might seek support to optimize your parenting during this stage.
LEARN LOVING BOUNDARIES
Hands down, the number one issue I see in 4 year olds in my private practice is that their family lacks clear and consistent (loving) boundaries, as part of a solid conscious discipline plan. As mentioned earlier, module 8 of the TUNED IN course is a fantastic place to start here.
To often I see children getting to trouble of facing consequences (for example, going into time out) when they weren't even clear not he rules to start with. This is not a good way to discipline or teach kids new behavior!
And the bottom line is that 4 year olds actually LOVE boundaries when they are clear and consistent. Consequences can work well but only part of an intentional discipline plan that you know will work for your child's developmental stage and personality time.
CALL ON YOUR VILLAGE
Parenting is hard work! We are all in the same boat when it comes to stress overload and the impact of our little people's constant need for attention and attunement! We are not meant to do this alone and building a village of friends and providers that support you, as well as doing your homework to be the most authentic parent you can be, is so important.
Many families that I work with feel big shifts out of a hard time when they start to put a focus on fostering a greater sense of community with like minded families, engaging in talk therapy or coaching for themselves, and tending to extended family relationship that at other times might have felt difficult. You might enjoy checking out the Sisterhood Meets Motherhood podcast especially our first episode, "We're not meant to do this alone."
PRIORITIZE SELF CARE
You've probably heard the saying you have "to put your life mask on first." It is really the truth. We can't teach our kiddos to regulate if we are not regulated ourself. This doesn't mean being CALM all the time and taking a 3 hour bubble bath.
It simply means staying connected to your own heart and center line even and especially in the chaotic moments that comes with raising little ones. You can always offer your child choices to self regulate while you take a moment of self care for YOU. I love the idea of TIME OUT for the parents.
EDUCATE YOURSELF
Just as you are here seeking knowledge by reading this article, it is so important to read the books, listen to the podcasts, or talk to experts in areas where you are feeling struggles. Check out this list of resources as starting place. Perhaps you could set a goal of taking in positive parenting content for 10 minutes a day over the next week and see what happens.
Learning helpful information can increase one's sense of hope and agency which then impacts mood for the better. Your kiddo will love seeing you in more positive spirits, and your efforts will be rewarded as you notice shifts in your child's behavior. Again, be careful not to shame or discipline yourself in the process, and instead continue to do your homework to get the most relevant education for your family!
Parent coaching can help you learn how to navigate your 4 year old’s behavior issues
While it can be helpful to compare behavior problems that you are noticing in your child to what might be seen as typical in other children, it is also important that you respond to your current challenges with what is authentic for your family and your unique child.
Talking to a parent coach can be a really good option for supporting your preschooler in their optimal development and creating a foundation of loving safety that your family will benefit from for the long run.
Founded by licensed therapist Sophie Schauermann, the Rooted Rhythm parent coaching approach offers holistic support for parents ready to truly shifts their ways of being.
Many families have experienced great transformation in how they view their child (and themselves!) by taking the TUNED IN parenting course. Read all about our parent coaching offerings here and reach out for a free consultation here to see if we can support you.