How your child is communicating their anxiety, and calming tools that work
Every behavior serves a purpose, and behaviors that may seem disruptive or “difficult” are often children’s attempts to communicate how they are feeling deep inside. Particularly in a difficult social climate ridden with collective fear, it is very possible that your child is experiencing some amount of anxiety.
Ways that anxiety might be manifesting in your child:
Big feelings (released as tantrums) - You might imagine that your child’s emotional body is like a soda bottle. When little anxieties are experienced throughout their days, their bottle shakes up. One triggering event might open the lid suddenly causing the foam to explode. Ultimately, this is a healthy release of tension being held in the body. However, big tantrums can of course be triggering for parents and other siblings.
Zoning out - Does your child ever appear shut down or checked out? Often times when the mind is full of anxious thoughts (in a hyper-aroused state), children (and adults for that matter) will appear shut down (in a hypo-aroused state) on the outside. Your child’s dissociative behavior might indicate lots of big worries on the inside that are likely difficult to communicate with words.
Lots of worries - Some children are more verbal with their worries. This might look like expressing big concern over the safety and well being of themselves and others around them. Know that while it’s helpful to validate your child’s current experience, the content of what’s worrying them is likely not at the root of their anxiety. More likely, they are looking to process bigger anxiety that is riding underneath the surface and have learned that telling stories to match the big feeling can help people around them understand and attune to what they are going through.
Efforts to control - Feeling out of control is incredibly triggering for one’s sense of physical and emotional safety and will naturally increase anxiety. If your child seems to go out of their way to have control, this is likely their way of trying to ease anxiety and allow their nervous systems to regulate through a perceived sense of control over themselves and their environment.
Unrest at bedtime or sleep difficulties - Slowing down at bedtime allows our nervous systems to settle and process all of the events that have occurred that day. This is the perfect time for anxiety to rise to the surface that your child may not have had the space to feel through earlier in the day. This is the nervous system actually doing its job.
Difficulty communicating - If your child is stuck in ruminating thoughts and anxieties, their limbic system (the emotional brain) is going to be running the show. From this place, the prefrontal cortex (the executive functioning part of our brain that is actually still in development until the mid or late 20s) has very little control. Therefore, feelings that may already be difficult to explain with words for your child could be nearly impossible verbally communicate until they have calmed down into a more regulated stated where the prefrontal cortex can come back online.
Tools to calm your little one’s anxiety:
One on one time - It may seem obvious, but children learn how to self-regulate from us (the adults in their lives). This is called co-regulation. Eventually, children develop the neural networks to soothe themselves but first they need us to teach them. Presently focused one-on-one time with your child is a great opportunity for you both to co-regulate. Try dedicating 10-15 minute of one-on-one time with your child where you commit to being openly present with them and allow them to run the show. Check out a free bonus audio that offers in depth instructions on how to offer effective 1-1 time on the TUNED IN course page.
Routines and rituals - Routine structure allows your child’s nervous system to rest in the knowing of what is coming next. Just like we hear about the power of morning rituals for adults, children benefit the same way. (Work within your limits as a parents on this one…if you aren’t someone who connects with strict structure, it is most important to be true to yourself as a parent as what your child wants most is authenticity and congruency. But this could be as simple as each family member shaking their bodies in the yard before coming in from school every day).
Tell the story - Children integrate their current and past experience best through story telling. Just like you might call a friend and tell them about your week to help make sense of it, it is helpful for children to tell or hear the story of their day or week. This will put their minds at ease bringing them more fully into the present moment, and also literally light up the neural networks that promote right to left brain integration resulting in healthy storage of memories.
Ensure safety (when possible) - The world can be a scary place, especially now. Most likely your child has heard about the global pandemic (and other phenomena that could be perceived as scary). If it feels okay to you, be open in an age appropriate away about what is happening in the world. However, make sure you complete the story by ensuring your child that in this moment they are safe, and you are going to do whatever you can as their parent to make sure they stay safe. (Truth matters, and children are the first to pick up on incongruencies, so there is no need to promise that your child will always be perfectly safe and nothing bad will ever happen as this is likely not true. However, you might promise that whatever challenges your child faces, you will always be there to support them and help them grow in difficult moments).
Choice and control - Allow choice and control whenever possible. This creates a sense of agency and freedom in children that I’m sure you are familiar with. So for example, you might say to your child… “Would you like to put your PJs on or brush your teeth first? You get to decide” and allow them to feel choice and control in their process.
Boundaries - Children ultimately love boundaries (even if they fight them initially) and paradoxically it can be really unsettling to feel like there is no one else “in charge” of their experience while they are still learning so much about what it means to be in the world. Be clear with yourself (and co-parents/partners) with what you want when it comes to limits and boundaries, and then feel confident enforcing them, knowing that boundaries create structure and containment for an anxious child.
Crying and laughing - Anxiety lives in the body as energy. Sometimes you can quite literally feel this as tightness in the shoulders and chest, or a strong beating heart. Allowing opportunities for your child to cry and laugh are great ways to allow them to release this energy. You may take some time to reflect on what programming you have embodied that sends you into a stress response when your child is expressing big emotion in this way, and then consider what feels most aligned for the person and parent you are now.
Mind-Body connection - Grounding into body sensations is one of the fastest ways to regulate. As a parent, you might find that if you take a moment to feel your feet and sense your hips, you will more quickly drop out of the anxious mind and be available for your child to co-regulate with you. But is also important to remind children how to foster this connection within themselves. There are many ways to do this such as dancing, kids yoga, taking turns naming feelings in the body, or age appropriate guided meditations.
For example you might try this butterfly body scan…Have your child visualize a beautiful butterfly (with their choice of colors and design) then name different body parts that this butterfly will fly to and remind them to pay attention to that part of their body. Afterward, they can choose a place for this butterfly to fly away to (real or imaginary). You’d be surprised at how long your child might stay engaged in this imaginative process. Click here for a free audio recording of a butterfly body scan to share with your child.
In my practice of parent coaching and child therapy, I see a number of these common behaviors as symptoms of anxiety and am happy to share tools that have been useful for some families that I work with. However, ultimately both you and your child are beautifully unique… and with conscious attention (and patience) will find the understanding and tools that fit perfectly for you.