Parenting & Raising a Highly Sensitive Child: 5 Tips to Help Them Thrive

It’s easy to feel frustrated and lost when figuring out how to deal with a highly sensitive child. However, there are plenty of parenting strategies that can help both you and your child feel better. In this post, I share everything you need to know about raising a highly sensitive child, including my top tips for how to help them thrive.

When fully understood, high sensitivities can indicate exceptional outcomes for your child. Unfortunately, many highly sensitive children aren’t supported in the most effective ways which leads to even bigger feelings that can be difficult for parents to manage.

With the right information, raising a highly sensitive child can truly be a beautiful journey.

Am I raising a highly sensitive child?

The “highly sensitive person” is a term coined by Dr. Elaine Aron to describe 15-20% of the population who experience the world in a different way than others.

According to Dr. Aron, sensitive people show more of the following: depth of processing, overstimulation, empathy, emotional responsiveness, and sensing the subtle in the environment.

Parenting a highly sensitive child comes with unique challenges and gifts. It is, however, extremely important to determine whether your child is highly sensitive or not - and learn the appropriate parenting strategies for highly sensitive children if necessary. During childhood, these kiddos often suffer more until they learn to manage their sensitivities (with the support of good parents) and realize that this trait can actually become their superpower. Read on for more details about how to tell whether your child is highly sensitive.

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE RAISING A HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD:

Being highly sensitive is a personality type, not a disorder. Meaning that if you or your child classifies as being highly sensitive, this is simply part of your personality! This is not something to be “fixed or changed” but simply to be understood and attuned to. Also, Dr. Elaine Aron explains in her literature that some researchers believe that one either holds this trait or they do not. These researches state that it is not a continuum or spectrum… (Meaning, you aren't a little bit highly sensitive or very highly sensitive. You either have the trait or you do not). Other researches feel that you can be more or less sensitive. Dr. Aron posits that it’s true some highly sensitive people have more or less of trait, but that is likely because their environment allows more or less sensitivity.

I’ll go into more detail later about the legitimate brain differences that show up if you have the trait.

Traits of the highly sensitive person

With this said, Dr. Elaine Aaron and others have extensively researched qualities that show up in those labeled as a “highly sensitive person.” It is said that if you have some (but not necessarily all of these traits), then you likely fall into that 15-20% of the population that are highly sensitive people. Consider how many of the following traits your kiddo is showing you:

High intuition and perception
Prone to anxiety, stress, overwhelm/ more meltdowns than peers
Averse to change
Fear and caution in new situations
Uncomfortable in certain scratchy/rough fabrics and tags on clothes
Low pain tolerance
Startle easily
Easily devastated by harsh discipline
Have a witty sense of humor
Often annoyed by bright lights and noisy places
Can pick out other people’s feelings
Loving and empathetic
Seem wiser than their years
A high need for control which can result in rigidity and inflexibility
Perfectionist
Often need downtime
Sometimes perceived as shy or introverts

Any of these sound familiar? If more than half do, you likely have a child with high sensitivities and thus will want to make sure you get terrific support on raising a highly sensitive child.

In my private practice based in Denver, CO, I have worked with MANY highly sensitive kiddos and their parents. Through over a decade of study of child development and parenting (and working therapeutically with kiddos), I came up with my own list of the top 5 traits of highly sensitive kiddos (and concrete ways to support them which I’ll share later in this article). The top 5 traits include:

Big Highs and Lows

How it shows up: Outbursts, big release of feelings (both positive and negative), The logical thinking brain (i.e. the prefrontal cortex) is less accessible, while the emotional brain (midbrain) takes over!

Negative Thought loops

How it shows up: statements like “I can’t handle this.” “Nothing is fair.” “My life is hard”...even “I just want to die.”

Challenges with Self-Esteem

How it shows up: Perfectionism, being really hard on self, feeling different than others (an outsider) even if on the outside it looks like they are well adapted socially and all is good!

Easily Overwhelmed

How it shows up: Nervous system goes into a fight/flight/freeze reaction in response to stimuli that others might cope with more ease-fully. Often the nervous system also stays in these heightened states for longer periods of time than non highly sensitive people.

A Strong Need To Be Seen For Their Uniqueness

How it shows up: Attention seeking behaviors, feeling like there is never enough attention, feeling misunderstood.

By the way, this is a topic I am super passionate about. I actually created a free 25 minute lecture for my clients that goes into much more detail on these top 5 traits. I’d be so happy to share it with you if you’re interested. Just contact me here with the subject line “top 5 traits,” and I’ll share it with you!

Parenting a highly sensitive child

There is extensive research the posits that highly sensitive people demonstrate something called differential susceptibility, which means that they respond more to their environment than others (for better or for worse). In other words, if a highly sensitive child is given the correct parenting for their needs, they will do REALLY well and thrive in their world perhaps more than others would with the same parents. If incorrect parenting is offered, however, highly sensitive children suffer more.

Thus, when it comes to raising a highly sensitive child, the environment that you provide really does matter. (In this way, highly sensitive people are also impacted more by negative teachers or caregivers). This information is not meant to scare you but to encourage you to step into greater consciousness in how you parent your sensitive kiddo!

The good news…

Because of this concept of differential susceptibility, your sensitive child will likely adapt easily to parenting that really works! Jay Belskey Phd (UC Davis, Human Development) puts it, “Yes, some sensitive kids have difficult temperaments, but they are like the most malleable clay in your hands. They are going to thrive and flourish if you care for them well!”

So how do you take care of a highly sensitive child well? I will now share some of my top tips!

5 TIPS FOR HOW TO PARENT A HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD

Here are 5 tips on raising a highly sensitive child. Remember that every child is different and parenting strategies always need to be adapted to meet your child’s unique needs. With proper attention and intention, I have seen parents create massive shifts towards more effective parenting strategies for their kiddos.

#1 Validate, empathize with, and BELIEVE your child

There is nothing more isolating and dysregulating for a child than feeling like they are wrong for having the experience they are having. If your child is having an emotional or physical experience, it is true for them. They need you to believe them.

If you can, meet the magnitude of the experience your child is facing and let them know verbally and non verbally that you are here, you get it, and you care. Remember that a child size problem for a child is a really big problem! (i.e. a child that gets their toy car stolen in the sandbox might have an equivalent experience to an adult getting their real car stolen in a parking lot).

#2 Prioritize regulation

Highly sensitive kids are also more sensitive to physiological dysregulation than others. It is extremely important to maintain proper nutrition and sleep hygiene for your kiddos. The irony is that sensitive kids often fight back more than others on these basic needs if they are working through resistance to their environment. This will require very consistent boundaries and clear structure but can prevent a lot of grumpy times!

Also, you’ll want to consider as much co-regulation as possible, meaning opportunities for your kiddo to regulate WITH you. Sometimes kids just need to borrow a bit of our grounded energy in order to find it themselves. Offer this freely and before you know it, your kids will have the template on their own. The trick is that in order to regulate with your child, you have to prioritize your own self regulation. See module 6 of the TUNED IN course for a deep dive into how to do this.

#3 Remember that every behavior is rooted in a feeling, need, or desire

It is easy to jump to discipline or teaching when your child is having a big feeling. As you have probably experienced, trying to teach or redirect at the height of emotion generally only exacerbates the big feeling. Instead try identifying the feeling, need, or desire under your child’s behavior and truly validating their experience (even if they aren’t able to get what they want) while giving space for the feeling to move through.

Later on you can set a boundary around what behavior is appropriate or not, but it's really a waste of time to try to offer this when your child is in a triggered response (because quite literally the part of their brain that can think critically and receive a new instruction is offline).

#4 When possible, empower your child to learn and problem solve

It can be a game changer for highly sensitive kiddos to learn to honor their sensitivities and accept the way that their brain works. There is so much research on the fact the highly sensitive brains work differently! For example, in one study, highly sensitive people and non-highly sensitive people were asked to look at the letters “T” and “L” oriented in different directions on a computer screen and differentiate the difference as quickly as possible. The highly sensitive people completed the task much more quickly but activated more stressful brain states (and stayed stressed for longer periods of time).

The takeaway: highly sensitive people can often do things really well but have to work extra hard to down regulate. You can teach your child about what it means to have a sometimes over-activated nervous system and how to come off the ledge and relax as often as they can. There’s so much more I could say on this!

Just one last thing… Dr. Elaine Aaron shares a good example of educating your child on “what’s normal” for a highly sensitive person dealing with perfectionism. An example she suggests that you could explain the effect of over arousal on performance and that highly sensitive people might become more easily over aroused and thus struggle to perform their best when under pressure. This kind of education will help your child understanding what is happen physiologically when they are extra nervous about test taking or performing a task - and not turn it into a negative self concept (i.e. “I am just bad at this”).

#5 Practice greater attunement and listening as a parent.

It’s our job as parents to tune in and trust our intuitions on what our kiddos need. If we offer them this, they will start to receive a narrative that “I am worthy of connection, of others understanding me, and of getting my needs met.” Alternatively, if we get stuck in overwhelm and stay checked out as a parent, our children get the message “I am too much and have to figure this out on my own.” This creates isolation which turns into greater uncontained feelings later.

It is not for the faint of heart to build the internal regulatory capacities to remain present even in the most stressful moments with your kiddos, but if you have a highly sensitive kiddo and you want to create a long term positive relationship with them, you may not have a choice.

These tips are literally the tip of the iceberg (pardon my pun!). If you’re wanting more, the TUNED IN course covers these topics and many more (including “how to’s”) in great depth.

WHAT TO DO AVOID WHEN RAISING A HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD:

Because these kiddos are also more greatly impacted by parenting that does not meet their needs, there are a few things you will definitely want to avoid when parenting a highly sensitive child. Here are some tips that relate to “what not to dos” in how to deal with a sensitive child:

Don’t shame your child while disciplining

Shaming is always an ineffective parenting strategy because it impacts self esteem and creates negative beliefs like “I am bad” or “I am unlovable” that will likely lead to even more difficult behaviors later. For your sensitive child, shame will entirely flatten them. Sensitive kiddos need extra patience and opportunities for collaboration when addressing an unacceptable behavior and problem solving for other options in the future.

Remember the oreo cookie technique (sandwich negative feedback between positive praise) and remind your child consistently that they are loved by you and they are a good kid - even if their behavior was not safe or appropriate for the family. There’s a whole module on why shame is not an effective parenting method (because it suppresses behavior but does not change it) in the TUNED in parenting course. We also dive deep into why it is so difficult to break parental shaming patterns (because most of us have this deeply ingrained in us from society and childhood).

Avoid some overstimulating environments (or at least take special care when they are unavoidable)

Remember that your child will become more easily overwhelmed by sensory overload. This does not mean always avoid any environments that might be triggering but definitely take special care and offer support for your child that is overwhelmed by a busy environment. Remind them that there is nothing wrong with them but that sometimes loud places and lots of people, for example, is a lot for their body to take in. You’ll probably need extra co-regulation time before going into this kind of setting and extra unwinding time after. While in the experience of overwhelm, you can encourage sensory modulation by play games of asking your child to focus on one sense at a time.

Stop putting pressure on your child to be like other kids

Elaine Aron says “To have an exceptional child, you have to have an exceptional child.” The reality is that if you are raising a highly sensitive child, you have to accept all of the parts of them! We can’t just choose some of the easy ones (like high intuition and perception, giftedness) and reject others (like being easily overwhelmed and having big feelings).

We must accept our child for who they are and offer special accommodations for them to feel comfortable at home, at school, and in social environments. This sometimes means communication about and advocating for their needs with teachers and friends’ parents.

Comparing your kiddo to other children is truly not helpful and can feel especially upsetting to your sensitive child. Because they have higher perception, even if you don’t say out loud that you are in comparison, your highly sensitive child will feel it.

Don’t push your child to be ready for something before they express readiness

Some sensitive children express extreme caution until they feel ready to enter a group or activity. Please honor this part of them as a highly evolved part of their genetic makeup that is actually a survival strategy and has many advantages in the big picture. Pushing your child to do something before they feel ready can teach them not to trust themselves and leave them feeling misunderstood. There are ways that you can increase your kiddos' window of tolerance for new situations in baby steps - so that they can stay connected to themselves while moving towards something new and scary.

Be aware of when and how you use humor

Sensitive kids can be wise beyond their years and sometimes love to connect with silliness and humor. Also, bringing in silliness and play can often be a good way to lighten the mood when redirecting or setting a boundary. However, if parents are making sarcastic comments and jokes that children don’t understand (especially when they include the children as parts of the joke), this can sometimes feel really confusing and upsetting for the sensitive child. This is not to say let go of your authentic sense of humor. Just be aware of how it is landing for your child in different situations.

Get support in parenting a highly sensitive child

If you’ve read or heard my work before, you know that I deeply believe that parenting is a journey that we are not meant to do alone! It is also not something that you are just supposed to know how to do without learning proper parenting skills. AND if you have a sensitive child, more than one highly sensitive child, and/or are a highly sensitive person yourself… you definitely need proper highly sensitive child parenting strategies!

There are many ways that you can get support. Some resources that I really love to share include Dr. Elaine’s Aron work (especially her book The Highly Sensitive Child) and Dr. Becky’s work (especially her Good Inside Podcast).

Individual support can also be really helpful (and sometimes necessary). Parent coaching can be a really great way to get your parenting strategies back on track. In this article, I go into great detail on what parent coaching is (and is not), and how it might help your family. As a parent coach, I help people find clarity on the relationship they want to have with their children - and learn concrete tools to begin to foster this relationship. Because I am also a licensed child therapist specializing in working with highly sensitive children, I particularly love to support parents in raising a highly sensitive child.

Taking classes and courses is also a great way to get the education you need to best support your sensitive child. Rooted Rhythm Therapy’s course, TUNED IN, is one of the only parenting courses out there that specifically supports parents of highly sensitive children. TUNED IN is also extremely unique because not only does it include thorough lectures on every topic you might need on how to deal with a sensitive child, but it also includes custom made landing meditations and recorded integration exercises before and after each module (with original music) to offer a truly transformational process over 10 modules. This course is self-led and self-paced, because we know parents are busy…and most people who take it choose to spread each module out over 4 days each for a 40 day journey of transformation. Read all about the course here.

Parenting & Raising A Highly Sensitive Child: 5 Tips to Help Them Thrive